


there's this burning, like there's always been...

by Damn_Gina



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adoptive Siblings, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arrest, Bathroom Sex, Consensual Underage Sex, Don't Like Don't Read, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Kiss, Forbidden Love, Fuck it. Lets give them a happy ending, Grieving, Heavy Petting, Loss of Virginity, Marijuana, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Psych meds, References to Depression, Rehab (sorta), Secret Relationship, Semi-Public Sex, Sibling Incest, TW: Couseling, TW: Near death experience, Underage Drinking, Underage Kissing, Years Later, forced mental health treatment (I'm sorry), heed the tags, tw: suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2020-10-14 05:16:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 31,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20595326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damn_Gina/pseuds/Damn_Gina
Summary: Fluff: SoulmatesBad wrong: IncestBellamy was sixteen when he realized that Clarke was his soulmate.There was just one problem- she was his sister.Well, his adoptive sister, but still.Fic title taken from Third Eye Blind's "Motorcyle Drive By"





	1. still, I'm the one that's stupid.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! I love hearing your thoughts!

Bellamy Blake was three years old when he met his soulmate. Of course, he didn't know she was his soulmate yet.

His mom brought her home around midnight. The infant was cooing and wrapped up in a blanket. Octavia was just under six months old at the time and, according to her keepsake blanket, Clarke was six months old. Bellamy remembered overhearing that she had been abandoned at the church down the street. They needed someone who was able to breastfeed to keep her until they could place her, since Clarke was being fussy and refusing bottles. 

When the social worker came for Clarke, she was a year and a half. By now she was walking, and her first word was “Bell”. She and Octavia followed Bellamy around like a couple of golden retriever puppies- but he loved them so much. As the social worker discussed options with his mom, Bellamy realized that she was talking about taking Clarke. 

“We haven’t found any family to place her with...” 

“She’s happy here,” Bellamy’s mom said, “Bellamy and Octavia are attached. I love her as my own. I can adopt her.” 

_ “Aurora,” _the social worker said softly, “that’s a lot to take on.” 

“I have had her for almost as long as she’s been alive, I’ve already taken it on.” 

“Okay, I’ll talk to my boss. I’ll recommend that she stay here. But I can’t make any promises.” 

In the end, they had to take Clarke away. While Bellamy screamed and cried for them to bring her back, his mom assured him that it was a formality- they had to go to court and get everything okayed with a judge before she could come home. 

“Mom!” Bellamy cried into her leg as he gripped her dress tightly, “They have to bring Clarke back... Please, make them bring her back...” 

Bellamy couldn’t eat or sleep when she was gone- his mom begged him to try, but he was too sad. As it turned out, Clarke was having issues, too. In just two weeks she was brought back to the Blake household. She hadn’t been able to eat, sleep or bond with anyone in the orphanage she was taken to. When she was taken to a foster family, she bit the mom and pulled her hair until the woman called the agency to take her back. 

When Clarke got home, Bellamy dragged his blanket and pillow into her room and fell asleep next to her crib. 

No one was going to take her from him again- not if he had anything to say about it. 

Clarke Griffin was officially adopted at the age of two and a half, and a five-year-old Bellamy couldn’t have been happier. The only thing that changed was her last name, from Griffin to Blake. Everything else about their dynamic remained the same. He knew that he loved her- it was different than how he loved Octavia, but he didn’t question it. Clarke was a part of him, it was just a fact. Their childhood was filled with good memories. Birthday parties, fort wars, snowmen, hot chocolate, fireworks, and farris wheels. Everything was good and fine when they were young and it was uncomplicated. 

But then Bellamy turned fourteen, and he got his soul mark: a single black rose on his wrist that Miller would not let him live down. As the school year started, Clarke turned twelve and it was quickly becoming “uncool” for him to be hanging out with her so much. During his freshmen year of high school, Gina Martin asked him if he wanted to go to the school dance. Bellamy said yes- because, well, she was pretty and had a cute laugh.

When his mom asked him if he was going to take someone to the dance, he said yeah, that Gina asked him. He quickly added that he didn’t want to talk about it. Later that night, Bellamy heard his door open and close as Clarke snuck into his room. This had been happening for years... and now, well, Bellamy should probably have put a stop to it, but he didn’t really want to. 

“Clarke?” 

He heard her feet shuffle as if she was doubting whether or not she should have come in, “I’ll go...” 

“It’s okay. C’mon, Princess,” Clarke slipped into the bed and cuddled close to him. 

They were quiet for a long time and then she blurted out, “I cried earlier.” 

“What? What's wrong, are you okay?" he asked, turning toward her in a slight panic. 

“God, it's so stupid," she laughed, sounding nervous. 

"Clarke... tell me."

"Fine," she said, swallowing her nerves, "I’m afraid that Gina will be your soulmate- then you’ll marry her and have babies with her, and you’ll forget all about me.” 

_ “Clarke,” _ he whispered, as his breath left his chest. Was she jealous? 

“I- Bellamy...” he could see her staring at the ceiling in the dark, her eyes glittering slightly as they reflected the sparse sliver of moonlight that came through the curtains, “I wish you weren’t my brother.” 

“Clarke, don’t say that,” he choked. It was possibly the only truly hurtful thing she had ever said to him. 

“No, not like that. I mean, I wish you weren’t so that you could be my soulmate.” 

_“Oh,”_ Shit. For a twelve-year-old, Clarke said some pretty strange things. She was way too smart for her own good. Dumbstruck, Bellamy didn’t know how to respond. There was a strange surge of joy that came over him, but also a sense of shame. Clarke was his sister. She wasn't supposed to have thoughts like that about him, “Look we don’t have to worry about that sort of thing for a long time. As for Gina, it’s just a dance.” 

“Do you want me to leave?” Clarke seemed tense, ready to run away if he said yes. 

“No,” Bellamy said, putting his arms around her firmly, and kissing her on the forehead, “you’re always welcome.” 

“Bellamy, I’m driving you to school today,” his mom said, during breakfast the next morning. 

“What about us?” O asked, face looking hopeful, she hated the bus. 

“You and Clarke are taking the bus. I have to drop something off for Bellamy- so he can just come with me.” Bellamy knew it was a lie, and his eyes automatically shot to Clarke, who was staring at her cereal. For the first time in over a year, Bellamy had actually woken up to Clarke laying with her arm around his waist. He had hoped his mom didn’t see, but with the way she had been acting all morning, Bellamy figured she had. 

Once the girls were gone, Aurora Blake dropped any pretense and crossed her arms, “What did I tell you about Clarke sneaking into your room at night, Bellamy?” 

“Relax mom, in case you haven’t forgotten, Clarke is my sister,” he said, “and she’s twelve.” 

“Exactly, don’t you think you both are too old for her to be doing that?” 

“You didn’t care when O and I fell asleep on the couch the other day,” he said, trying to play it off as if it really didn’t matter. 

“That’s different, and you know it, Bellamy.” 

“Why, because Clarke isn’t _ really _ my sister?” he asked, feeling like he was being yelled at for doing nothing wrong. 

“Bellamy, Clarke is... young. She’s impressionable. You and O have been her world for a long time... I need to know that I can trust you with her,” Aurora paused, “Frankly, it _ is _ different than with Octavia, and I think you know that. And I’ve never caught Octavia in your bed, either.” 

Bellamy stared down at his cereal, trying to think of something to say... but no words would come to him. 

“Bellamy,” his mother soothed, sitting in the chair next to him and putting her hand over his, “I know you love Clarke. But part of loving someone is setting healthy boundaries. You and Clarke may not be blood-related, but you are siblings and I need you to be a brother to her, okay?” 

Chewing his cheek Bellamy looked down, trying to make sense of why he felt so crushed. Unable to figure it out, he just nodded and pushed his food away, “I’m not hungry anymore,” he said, not meeting his mom’s eyes. 

The next time Clarke tried to open his door after ten pm, it was locked. 

When Bellamy turned sixteen, Clarke and Octavia were both freshmen- and he wanted to buy them both trench coats. The two had decided that they would dress to kill this morning. And even though he felt protective of both of them, he didn't like how Clarke's outfit made him feel. Somehow he had been so busy ignoring her that he failed to realize that she had... _matured_, to say the least. 

“Did you guys see Bellamy’s sister this morning?” John Murphy said loudly, as Bellamy grabbed his books out of his locker and stuffed them into his backpack. 

“Which one?” Gina asked innocently from behind Bellamy. 

“The hot one,” Murphy said, a devilish smirk appearing on his face. 

“Which hot one?” another voice came from Murphy’s other side. _ Ugh, Dax. _

“I swear to fucking god, you both stay away from them,” Bellamy warned, taking Gina’s hand as he walked past Murphy. 

“What?” Murphy yelled, “afraid I’ll ruin your pretty little blonde princess?” 

Bellamy hadn’t called Clarke that since he started dating Gina two years ago. It was one of the many things he had changed in an effort to be “more of a brother” to her. At that moment though, something snapped in him. Letting go of Gina, he towered over Murphy and backed him into his locker, “What did you say?” 

“I said, are you afraid I’ll ruin your pretty little _Princess_?” Murphy’s eyes were glinting as he leaned in and whispered, “Or are you just afraid I’ll do it before you do?” 

Bellamy let out a laugh, and turned to walk away before he changed his mind. In one fluid motion, his fist connected with Murphy’s nose, and a loud crack echoed through the hallway. Before Bellamy could register what was happening, he was on the ground with Dax punching him, while murphy bled everywhere and kicked him in the stomach. 

Somehow, he gained the upper hand and Bellamy ended up on top of Dax, punching his face repeatedly. 

_ “Bellamy, stop!” _ a voice cut through his rage and he looked up to see Clarke staring down at him in horror. 

“What the fuck?” Octavia ran into Clarke and took in the scene, letting out a laugh as she spoke, “_ holy shit. _ You're gonna be in so much trouble, Bellamy.” 

That was the last thing he heard, before Murphy’s foot connected with his head, and everything went black. 


	2. there's got to be something something better than in the middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> during his suspension, Bellamy finds Clarke in a vulnerable state.

Three things happened after the fight: Bellamy got suspended, Gina broke up with him, and Clarke wouldn’t even look at him. 

He was so ashamed of himself he kept to his room and avoided any and all interaction with Clarke. The look of pure horror on her face was the only thing he saw when he closed his eyes, and he wished he could take it back- Clarke should never have seen him like that. 

It was noon on a Friday when the front door slammed, and Bellamy heard someone run into the house. Looking up from his school work Bellamy saw a flash of blonde disappear down the hallway. Then another door slammed, and Bellamy heard crying. 

“Clarke?” Bellamy asked, knocking on her door. He couldn’t remember the last time he went into Clarke’s room. But her behavior had him worried, and he couldn’t just sit back and do nothing. Slowly, Bellamy opened the door and let himself in. As Clarke heaved into her pillow, Bellamy walked over to her bed, “Clarke?” 

Sitting down, he put his hand on her back, in an effort to comfort her, “Clarke? C’mon, talk to me.” 

“I found my parents,” she hiccuped, trying to breathe. 

“What?” Bellamy asked, confused. He had no idea Clarke was even looking. 

“It was an accident,” she said sitting up, “Remember when I did that DNA test? Well, I found a match. I've been talking to my birth mom.” 

Bellamy kept his hand on her, only adjusting his hold so that she could lean on him, “what did you find?” 

“My birth mom... She’s a fuckin’ doctor.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah... apparently my birth father died, and she was dealing with addiction. She just couldn’t handle it.” 

“Shit, Clarke... I’m so sorry.” 

“She’s sick now... She wants to see me,” Clarke said burying her head in Bellamy’s chest, “I don’t want to ignore her. But I just...” 

“You just what?” 

“I want to know why she couldn’t love me- what makes me so unlovable?” 

Bellamy pulled Clarke close as she cried, “You’re not unlovable, Clarke... I love you,” he said, threading his fingers through her hair. 

“No, you don’t.” 

“Clarke, of course I love you,” he said, feeling sick. How could she think he didn’t? 

“Then why haven’t you talked to me, _really talked to me_, in two years?” Clarke asked, pulling away and drying her eyes, “you got a girlfriend and didn’t need me anymore... that’s not love, Bell.” 

“Clarke, it’s not like that... Mom felt that we were too close,” he admitted, "it wasn't appropriate." 

“I’m tired,” Clarke said, turning away, “I’m gonna nap.” 

“Okay, I’ll be down the hall, if you need anything,” he said, feeling a bit crushed. 

“Wait,” Clarke said, her hand landing on his forearm, “Will you stay? Just for a little bit?” 

“Yeah,” Bellamy said, getting up and locking the door. Nothing was going to happen between them, but he didn’t need his mom freaking out again, “Mom. You know.” 

Clarke just nodded, shuffling under her blankets, and making room for Bellamy. Feeling just a little guilty, Bellamy figured it wasn’t such a big deal, and slid behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist. He had never held her like this before, with her back against his chest, but it felt perfect. As Clarke’s breathing steadied, and she fell asleep, Bellamy stared at her- for the last two years he had felt a bit lost. He had missed his friendship with her- he had missed her... As he thought about all of this, a little fleck of black caught his eye, and Bellamy's heart just about stopped as he leaned forward. 

Right behind her ear, there was a little black rose that matched the one on his wrist perfectly. 

When he was certain she was asleep, Bellamy leaned forward and kissed the spot, and then fell into a shallow sleep himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "One Head Light" by the Wallflowers


	3. some great need in me, starts to bleed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Bellamy talk about the day she came home. Bellamy goes back to school and finds that he can't focus.

Bellamy commended himself for his ability to compartmentalize the fact that Clarke was, indeed, his soulmate. And contrary to his initial fears, things didn’t get weird or anything. If anything, he felt like he was actually allowed to be around her, to enjoy her company, to talk to her again. 

If she was his soulmate, then there’s nothing that can keep them apart anyway, right? So why fight it? 

So, they got close again. They talked late into the night, in hushed voices and Clarke told him all about her conversations with her birth mom, Dr. Abby Griffin. When Clarke was left at the church, there was a teddy bear, a blanket and a card left with her. Bellamy searched the attic until he found it, and brought it to Clarke’s room one night. 

“Hey,” he said, a weak smile on his face, “I have something you might want to see...” 

Clarke blushed and tucked her hair behind her ear as he came in and sat on her bed. When she closed the door, Bellamy heard the click of the lock. That had become a bit of a habit- somehow it made them both feel more secluded like it was just the two of them. 

“When my mom brought you home... you had a couple of things with you.” 

“Really? You remember that?” 

“Of course, I do,” Bellamy smiled, “Honestly, that’s my first clear memory. I have bits and pieces of the day O was born. But no, I remember meeting you perfectly. My mom said you were six months old.” 

A strange expression flittered over Clarke’s face as she sat next to him. Ever since she came home crying, their interactions had felt heavier... not in a bad a way, of course. 

“Here,” Bellamy smiled, pulling out the teddy bear and blanket. The pink blanket had her name, birth weight and birthdate on it, “Clarke Ann Griffin, born September third, two-thousand-three, nine pounds and four ounces.” 

He recites it from memory, as Clarke runs her fingers over the threaded print, “Who the hell names a girl Clarke?” she asked, smiling while her voice cracked. 

“Someone who knew how perfectly it would suit you,” he said, smiling and tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. He had gotten into the habit of doing that just so he could brush his fingers against her soul-mark. If Clarke noticed, she didn’t seem to let on. 

At that, Clarke smiled, “you always told me I was eleven pounds and ten ounces,” she chided, pushing Bellamy’s shoulder, “you jerk.” 

“Hey, I had to give you a hard time, I couldn’t let you think you were too perfect.” 

“Of course not,” she let out a snort before leaning forward and looking into the box. Her eyes landed on the unopened letter, “Can you... hold onto that for me?” 

Bellamy picked up the letter, “are you sure?” 

“Yeah... I’m not ready for that... and I don’t want to open it alone. If you have it, then I won’t do it alone.” 

“Okay,” Bellamy said, pulling the letter out of the box, you let me know when you want to read it. Slowly Clarke put the items back in the box and set it on the ground. Tentatively, she scooted close to him and wrapped her arms around him. 

“Raven Reyes got her soul-mark, it was a lightning bolt,” Clarke said, sounding sad, “So did O. she has an arrow.” 

Bellamy felt his heart pounding in his chest as he tightened his grip on Clarke, “Have you found yours?” 

Clarke pulled back to look at him, eying him closely before she shook her head, “No. I don’t think I have one.” 

“What makes you say that?” 

“Because... I already feel whole. I don’t need a soulmate to complete me.” 

Bellamy just nodded and swallowed thickly. He wondered what he should do... should he tell Clarke? Did she not want to know? Of course, she didn’t need a soulmate. Clarke was strong and smart- there was no way she _ needed _ him. 

“What if... what if someone saw it? Would you want them to tell you?” 

Clarke studied Bellamy’s face with such a pointed intensity that he couldn’t help but look down at his feet. Slowly, her fingers came to rest on his wrist, just above his mark, “No,” she said, “I don’t need a mark to tell me who knows me best, Bellamy.” 

So, as Bellamy wrapped his arms around her again, he didn’t tell her. 

And he never planned to. 

He stopped locking his door years ago, when he and Gina became official- he had been fairly certain that Clarke wouldn’t sneak in anymore, and he had been right at the time. Of course, he and Gina weren’t together anymore, and things were different with Clarke now. 

Part of him hoped she’d sneak in, but another part of him was terrified. What if she did? Could he handle having her there, in his bed, knowing she was his soulmate? 

What if he did something stupid, like kiss her? 

The week of Homecoming was a busy one. Bellamy’s suspension was finally over, and he was greeted in the halls by whispers and snickers. 

“Is it true, what Murphy said about Clarke?” Bellamy was opening his locker when Miller walked up to him. 

“Not you, too, man,” he groaned, “Look, I punched Murphy because he was being a dick to my sister- that’s it.” 

_ “Sisters,” _ Miller corrected, “Plural, right?” 

“Sure, whatever.” 

“Dude, Bellamy,” Miller crowded close to him, “I saw the mark. You need to be careful.” 

“How?” 

“Band practice. She was putting her hair up.” 

“Don’t worry, Miller,” Bellamy said, “I’m not going to do anything stupid.” 

Just then, Bellamy closed his locker and found Clarke standing with her back against her own, giggling as a boy crowded her space. 

It was their neighbor from across the street, Finn Collins. 

Jealousy welled up inside Bellamy immediately. But before he could walk over, Miller had his hand on his arm and was pulling him away, “Fuck, Bellamy. I’m gonna have to babysit you all year, won't I?” 

Bellamy just pulled himself free and walked the other way, gritting his teeth the entire time. 

The rest of the day, he tried not to let his gaze fall on Clarke in the hall, during gym or in Algebra Two. Finn had gym class with them, too. And even worse, he was on Clarke’s volleyball team. The entire time, he was showing Clarke how to serve, even going as far as to stand behind her and critique her movements. All the while, he let his limbs and fingers brush against hers. 

Even worse, Clarke giggled and blushed... and Bellamy felt like his chest was being ripped open. 

When their teams were against one another, Bellamy spiked the ball hard and hit Finn’s nose, _on accident, clearly._ The end result of that was a nose bleed, and Clarke accompanying Finn to the nurse’s office- which made Bellamy want to punch the kid himself. 

When Clarke didn’t come back to class, Bellamy just pictured her tending to the oaf’s injuries- and then that became a twisted imagining of pretty boy using it as an opportunity to kiss her. 

Just the thought of it had Bellamy's heart breaking in two... if Clarke ever fell in love with someone else, he didn't know if he could survive it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from the song, "Deep Inside of You," by Third Eye Blind...


	4. 'cause all I really want is to be with you (feeling like I matter too)...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke comes to Bellamy for some advice- or does she want more than that?
> 
> Please note that there are warnings at the end of the chapter. Heed them if you are easily bothered by the WTFluff Themes.

That night, Clarke snuck into Bellamy’s room. He didn’t even try to hide the smile that spread across his face when she lifted up the covers and just slipped in. Turning around Bellamy studied her outline in the dark. She was looking right at him, her face completely serious. Just as he was about to ask if she was okay, she began to talk. 

“You didn’t have to hurt him, Bellamy.” 

“What?” he asked, feigning ignorance. 

“Finn?” 

“I don’t know what you mean,” he said, although he couldn’t help the way his lips quirked when Clarke shoved his shoulder. 

“You don’t have to be the annoying protective older brother, Bellamy,” she said, serious once again, “It doesn’t suit you. Maybe for O, but not for me.” 

“Oh, trust me, Princess... That’s not why I did it.” 

The words were out before he even registered what he was saying. Suddenly feeling flush, Bellamy turned around- now was not the time for that conversation. There would never be a time for _that_ conversation. 

He could hear Clarke swallow nervously, clearly struggling with something. 

“What is it?” Bellamy asked, turning back around with a sigh. 

“You haven’t called me that in years,” she said, smiling, “It sounds different now.” 

“Maybe it is different.” 

Silence fell over the pair for a bit before Clarke spoke again, “I need your advice,” she said. 

“Okay, what can I do for ya?” At that, Clarke laughed lightly. 

“Finn tried to kiss me,” she said, “but I dodged him.” 

Bellamy was too busy biting back his anger to respond properly, so she continued, “What should I do if he tries again?” 

“Push him into a lake.” 

Clarke immediately giggled, and Bellamy enjoyed the fact that he made her laugh, “No, I’m serious, Bell.” 

“Me, too,” he said, but then he offered some real advice, “But If you don’t want him to kiss you, tell him. If he tries to pressure you, come get me. I’ll kick his ass.” 

“Well, It's not that I don’t want him to...” 

Bellamy felt his heart sink. It hurt worse than he thought it would, hearing this sort of thing. He willed himself not to react- he could punch his pillow later, or scream into it- whatever he needed. But right now, Clarke was here, and she had a problem and needed him. He had to be present for her. 

“So, what’s the problem?” 

He could see her look away from him, biting her lip- looking unsure. 

“Clarke, just spit it out. You can tell me anything, you know that.” 

“I don’t know how to kiss,” she admitted, “I’m afraid I’ll suck at it.” 

“That’s why you pushed him away?” 

“Well, that and he had blood on his nose. Sorry, I don’t want my first kiss to be bloody,” she admitted, clearly grossed out. 

“Well, what do you want your first kiss to be like?_”_ he asked, his throat going dry as he said it. He had a hard time letting go of the idea of him being her first kiss- he knew it would extra special for her to be kissed for the first time by her soulmate... But that couldn’t happen. Especially since she would never know. 

“Well, I hope you don’t judge me... But I used to want you to be my first kiss. Back when I was jealous of you and Gina.” 

Bellamy’s brain screamed at him to say something, to find out if she thought that now... but he was too shocked to speak. 

“I know its gross. You don’t want to kiss your sister.” 

“I mean, it’s not like you’re O,” he noted, finally recovering, "I don't think it would be gross." 

“But it would still be wrong?” Clarke asked innocently, "wouldn't it?" 

“Are you trying to get me to kiss you, Clarke?” Bellamy asked, teasing her as he moved a little closer. Clarke gaped at him as her mouth opened and shut, but no words escaped, _“Clarke?”_

“Yeah?” she squeaked, and then cleared her throat. Bellamy pulled back a bit, so she wouldn't feel cornered. 

“You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I was mostly kidding.” 

“Mostly?” 

“yeah, mostly.” 

It happened so fast that Bellamy didn’t even realize what she was doing until her lips were pressed against his. They stayed like that for a moment, both frozen and on the verge of awkwardness. As soon as Bellamy realized that this was actually happening, he jumped into action. 

His hand landed on her cheek and he pulled back. Clarke suddenly looked as if she had done something terrible, he could see the fear of rejection making tears form in her eyes. No, he couldn’t have that.

“Hey, it’s alright,” he soothed, as he brushed her bottom lip with his thumb, “I just want to do this right, okay?” 

Clarke merely nodded, and Bellamy slowly pushed her down so that she was laying on the bed, He watched as she kept her eyes on him and held her breath. She was so cute- being all nervous about this. 

“If I kiss you, Clarke, I can’t undo it. You realize that, don't you? We wont be able to take it back,” he had to be sure that she wanted this, too. Instead of nodding, Clarke wrapped her hand around his wrist. Bellamy felt a warmth spread through him, as she covered his soul-mark with her fingers. Bellamy shifted his hand so that he was touching hers, too, and Clarke let out a little gasp. 

Clarke began to speak as Bellamy lowered his lips to hers, but the words died in her throat as he pressed a soft, yet firm kiss against her. Pulling back, Bellamy looked up to see her eyes were closed. Smiling he dipped down again and placed an open-mouthed kiss on her lips this time. After a few movements, she began to respond. When she pushed her tongue in his mouth, Bellamy laughed, but tamed her gently, so that she knew the right amount to use. After some time, he pulled back and looked at her- with her eyes fluttering open, she absent-mindedly chased his movement. 

“That was..._ wow_,” she said, her fingers still playing over his soul-mark, “will it always feel like that?” 

“I think that was special,” he said, not wanting to lie to her. 

“Oh,” she said, this time her fingers delved into his curls, as she pulled him down to kiss her again. It was then that Bellamy realized he was powerless to stop her, even if he wanted to. 

The next day at school, Bellamy noticed that Clarke was polite to Finn, but didn’t let him crowd around her like he had the day before. 

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a deep sense of satisfaction at that. 

Later, walking home from the bus stop, O piped up, “So Finn said he was going to dance with Raven? I thought you two were going together, Clarke?” 

“Oh, it just wasn’t the right fit.” 

Bellamy chanced a side-glance at Clarke and found that she was blushing and biting her lip, he felt a little guilty. But he also felt a warmth in his chest knowing that Clarke turned Finn down, likely because of their make-out last night. 

“Well, so much for a double date,” O said under her breath. 

“Bell could come with us,” Clarke said, trying to sound casual. 

“No. That’s weird. Besides, Bell has his own loser friends to go with.” 

“I’m not going to Homecoming, actually,” Bellamy said, “But you two should have fun.” 

“Oh, what are you doing, then?” Clarke asked, blushing as she looked up at him.

“Bellamy has a date with a bottle of lotion and his hand,” Octavia laughed. 

“Don’t be gross,” Clarke said, immediately defending him (which was endearing), “You’ve been hanging out with too many seniors, O.” 

“Look, my only point is that if Dax and Murphy can get dates, Bellamy and you can, too.” 

Clarke just shrugged as she kicked a rock, and Bellamy reminded Octavia that they didn’t have to date at all. They could be perfectly happy being single, “Besides,” he said, “I just got out of a relationship... I’m not really up for a new one right now.” 

Maybe he was being a little paranoid, but it seemed as if Clarke couldn't really look him in the eye after that.

That night, when Clarke didn’t come to his room, Bellamy tried not to worry too much about it- but his stomach churned with anxiety and guilt... He hoped she didn't regret what had happened between them- or even worse, he hoped she didn't think that it was Bellamy just trying to get some casual action. The idea of her thinking that about him, made him feel sick- as if he had failed her somehow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms.
> 
> As far as warnings- Clarke wants Bellamy to kiss her, so he does.


	5. I don't want to come back down from this cloud...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finds out...

Getting anything out of Clarke was like pulling teeth. She didn’t come to Bellamy’s room for the rest of the week, so the night of the dance, Bellamy knocked on her door.

“Are we okay?” he asked tentatively, entering and closing the door behind him. Clarke whirled around, her hair was done up, and she was wearing a beautiful blue dress, “Wow... Clarke, you look amazing.” 

“Thanks,” she said, blushing, “and yeah. I guess we’re as good as we can be...” 

“Clarke, did I do something wrong? Did I make you uncomfortable?” he asked, genuinely concerned. His greatest fear was that he somehow took advantage of her.

“No, Bell. It’s nothing like that...” she said, turning back around and putting her earing in, “I’m glad my first kiss was you... it's just- I realized I wanted something I couldn’t have.” 

She wanted more... he did, too... and she didn’t need to say it, he could hear it in the silence.

“Okay,” Bellamy said, “I’ll be home all night if you get bored and want me to pick you up or something.” 

“Or something?” 

Bellamy just shrugged his shoulders, and dove his hands into his pockets, “Or whatever.” 

At that, Clarke cleared the room in a few steps. With all the confidence in the world, she reached up and grabbed his neck pulling him down into a kiss, “or whatever?” she whispered against his lips, and Bellamy felt heat erupt in his stomach. She was going to kill him- he was certain of it. With one last kiss she told him to have a good night, and to be careful with the Jergens. 

As it turned out  O’s date apparently set Clarke up (which meant O actually did  it). Which Clarke hated. An hour after the dance started, Clarke called Bellamy to pick her up. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t giddy at the idea of spending some time alone with her. He knew that they had to have boundaries, like nothing more than innocent kissing. No groping, and absolutely no sex. Clarke was clearly too young for that, and Bellamy wasn’t going to do that to her. 

When he got to the school, Bellamy asked Clarke if she wanted to head home and she shrugged and said not really. 

“Look in the bag,” he said, smirking. Clarke gave him a side-eye and delved in. There were burgers and curly-fries from their favorite burger joint.

“Oh my god, Bell... Is that?” she said pulling out the amber bottle, her mouth hanging open, “You stole mom’s rum?” 

“She won’t miss it. She barely drinks anyway.” 

Clarke just grinned at him and rolled her eyes, “So we’re just  gonna drink and eat burgers?” 

“Not just that...” he said, pulling out of the school parking lot, “We’re also going stargazing.” 

Much to Bellamy’s delight, Clarke wasn’t at all disappointed when they actually ended up drinking, eating and stargazing. Yeah, she was definitely his soulmate. 

He was actually rather impressed with how she handled her liquor. But Bellamy did find himself slowing her down, especially when she got so giddy, she pulled a pen out of his laptop bag and started drawing constellations using his freckles. 

Eventually, the telescope they brought along was abandoned in favor of Clarke trying to tackle Bellamy while she yielded the “Pen of Power”. 

“I think you’re drunk, Princess,” Bellamy said, laughing, as she just settled into his lap. 

“Only a little,” she smiled, scrunching up her nose, and pulling up the sleeve of his t-shirt and preparing to draw on it, “you’re cold,” she said, smoothing her fingers over his goosebumps. 

“Eh,  it's worth it. You look better in my jacket, I think.” 

And she really did. Bellamy couldn’t believe just how cute Clarke looked wearing his jacket over her Homecoming dress. 

“There,” she said, finishing up her drawing while giggling, “now you’re mine.” 

“That’s nothing new,” he said, pulling her into a kiss, and then pulling back to look at her fine artwork, “BB and CG?”

“Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin,” she explained. 

Bellamy looked at her, “But legally your name is Clarke Blake.” 

“Isn’t that a little weird to write on you though? Clarke Blake is your sister... Clarke Griffin, she’s... I don’t know what she is to you- but not that.” 

Bellamy closed his  eyes he should really tell her- he knew he should. She could obviously feel it, so she deserved to know. 

“Clarke Griffin,” he said, kissing her softly, “is my soulmate.” 

“Don’t be stupid,” she said, “We both know I don’t have a mark, Bell. That's not cute or funny.” 

“You just haven’t seen it yet,” he offered, “I’ve seen it.” 

“What?” 

“Turn around,” Bellamy instructed. Although skeptical, Clarke did it. Pulling out his phone he moved her ear and took a photo, the flash blinding him momentarily. Feeling nervous as fuck, Bellamy handed his phone to her. He watched her as her eyes bugged. 

“Oh my god,” she breathed, “Bellamy...” 

“I know.” 

As if realizing that what she was seeing was real, Clarke grabbed his hand and took a photo of his wrist. In disbelief, she flitted back and forth between each photo. Finally, she handed him his phone back and got up, “I want to go home,” she said, voice completely neutral. 

“Oh, okay,” he said, putting his phone away. If you  wanna go to the car, I’ll pack everything up. Clarke merely nodded and went back to the car. 

When they got home, Clarke made a beeline for her room. 

“Clarke, wait!” he said, “Are you... mad at me?” 

“Of course, I am, Bellamy!” she said, “You’ve known, haven’t you? How long?” 

“I saw it when we napped in your room... when I was suspended.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me?” she asked, shrugging his jacket off, “Instead you let me believe you loved me for me... and not some stupid mark?”

Bellamy closed his eyes, unable to wrap his head around what she was saying... She was unhappy about this? 

“It’s not like I picked the mark, Clarke!” he said, “I didn’t pick it any more than you did.” 

“Well, thanks for that,” she said, before slamming her door shut. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title is from "Comedown" by Bush.


	6. I love you, I'm not gonna crack.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy tries to control his "condition", meanwhile, he doesn't see how Clarke is affected by it.
> 
> See warnings at the end of chapter.

The next couple months were filled with awkward silences and stolen glances. More than once, Bellamy caught Clarke staring at him, while she rubbed her thumb over the back of her ear. He wasn’t entirely sure what he did wrong, but he knew better than to push it. 

In the winter, Clarke started dating Finn Collins. 

And of course, Bellamy found out about it in the worst possible way: on a Friday night, he and Miller went into the basement to find some rum to exchange with Jasper Jordan for weed, and there was Clarke and pretty boy on the couch, her shirt was ridden up, as his smarmy hands explored her a bit too eagerly to be comfortable. The guy had his lips on Clarke’s neck, and she actually looked a bit bored. 

Bellamy wanted to kick him out... or kick his ass- or both. 

Yeah, he wanted to do both. 

Before he could do anything, Miller cleared his throat, and Clarke pushed Finn away. All the while, she blushed furiously and made eye contact with Bellamy for the first time in months.

“Sorry, Bellamy. I know you don’t want to see me groping your sister,” Finn said, moving a bit further away from Clarke, “I’ll leave room for the Holy Spirit, _ promise _.” 

“I don’t give a shit what you do,” Bellamy seethed, his voice pure venom, “Just don’t fuck her- or you won’t have hands to grope with.” 

He’d never been so crass around Clarke, and he could see her mood change immediately. 

“What the fuck, Bellamy?” Clarke barged into his room later, unannounced. Bellamy was still high from Jasper’s weed, but he was still in a foul mood. 

“What are you doing in here Clarke?” he asked, pausing Planet Earth on Netflix. 

“Oh, so now I’m not allowed in your room?” she asked, sticking to her side of an imaginary boundary line. 

“I don’t think your _ boyfriend _ would like that, _Princess._” 

“God, stop it, Bellamy!” 

“Stop what? You were the one getting serviced by the world’s blandest slice of white bread.” 

“What does that even mean?” Clarke looked confused. 

“It means he’s boring, and that you looked bored.” 

“Yeah, well at least he’s not my brother!” 

“Well, there’s that, isn’t there?” Bellamy asked, turning his documentary back on, “Just remember, Clarke... You chose this, not me.” 

“I fucking hate you,” she said, slamming his door shut on her exit. 

“Yeah, whatever. I love you, too!” Bellamy yelled after her, throwing his pillow at the door. 

It continued like that for a while, the pair taking jabs at one another. Meanwhile, Aurora started to look like she didn’t know what to do. She even asked Bellamy why he and Clarke hated each other suddenly. 

“It’s a fine line between love and hate, mom,” was all he would say. He didn’t hate Clarke. She hated him- and he loved her, and it sucked. 

Of course, girls asked him out, but with the mark still connecting him to Clarke, he couldn’t say yes and feel right about it, so he stuck to himself. When Clarke announced she was going to prom with Finn, Bellamy started to look up ways to remove Soulmarks. This Finn shit was driving him crazy, and he wasn’t coping well at all. 

He bought every book he could get his hands on- he was especially curious about the books by Dr. Marcus Kane and Dr. Abigail Griffin (of all people, of course...). The two had founded a camp for young people focused on reprogramming and removing inappropriate soul connections in a safe way. 

Bellamy felt a surge of relief and hope when he started to read the books. The first line of treatment was medication: usually a mixture of mood stabilizers and anti-depressants. And since Bellamy wasn’t old enough for invasive intervention, that would have to do. 

So, he asked his mom to book an appointment with his doctor, and Bellamy explained the problem to Dr. Jaha, the local family practitioner. Dr. Jaha was willing to try the therapy. So, Bellamy left the office with a prescription for lithium, Klonopin as needed and a follow-up appointment set up in six weeks. 

Apparently, lithium took weeks to kick in, so Bellamy took the Klonopin whenever the anxiety got to be too much. He had read that when soulmates were in denial or trying to stay away from one another panic attacks, anxiety and depression were common side effects. He wasn’t sure if Clarke was feeling any of that, but Bellamy sure as hell was, and he got the meds just in time. When they finally kicked in, he didn’t feel like he wanted to pull his hair out or punch anyone who looked at Clarke. 

In fact, Bellamy just felt relaxed. Chill. There. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

He didn’t even notice the way Clarke and Octavia looked at him, perplexed when they would say something racy around him. Like when O was talking about fighting Ontari Polinski after school. Clarke turned to Bellamy to beg him to talk her down, and he just shrugged and said, “whatever. Just don’t break anything.” 

Time passed, but Bellamy couldn’t be bothered. He passed all of his classes during his junior year, and just went to and from school. Eventually, he started a job so he could save up for deprogramming. He figured once his mark was gone, he wouldn’t have to take the meds, and he could start enjoying life again. But for now, he would just get by. 

At the end of summer, he went in for another blood test (apparently, he had to get his liver tested, because lithium could be dangerous). He was told that he was having a mild reaction to the medication, so he’d have to go off of it and try something else. 

While Clarke and O were away at camp, Bellamy withdrew from the meds. It was messy, and he was sick all of the time, but he was glad that both Clarke and O were gone- he didn’t think he could handle having to explain himself. Of course, as the Lithium got out of his system, his feelings and urges regarding Clarke came back tenfold. 

He even started dreaming about her, and it wasn’t innocent, either. 

He fucking hated himself for his weakness. 

When they got home, Bellamy lasted exactly one dinner in the same house as Clarke, before the shit hit the fan. Honestly, she seemed just as fucked up as he felt. Her hair looked a bit wild, she had bags under her eyes and looked too thin. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, his heart squeezing as he looked at her- really looked at her- for the first time since he had started meds almost six months ago. 

“What do you care?” she snapped, “I’m not hungry, Aurora.” 

With that, she pushed her food away. 

Bellamy looked at Clarke’s plate- there was barely a dent in it. 

“What's wrong with her?” he asked Octavia after Clarke left. 

“Oh, now you notice?” O said, arching her eyebrows, “I brought this up a while ago and your response was, “have her smoke weed, she’ll feel better then.” 

“What?” Bellamy asked confused... He was fairly certain that if Clarke was like this for a while, he would have noticed, “When did it start?” 

“Don’t act like you care, Bellamy!” O said, “She’s been fucked up ever since Finn cheated on her- but it started when you got weird. It’s like you weren’t even here the last year, seriously.” 

Bellamy swallowed thickly. He had no idea that Finn had cheated on her, he also didn’t know that Clarke had been sick... did the meds somehow affect her, too.? 

“O, it’s not Bell’s fault. He was on strong medication for his own stuff, he really didn’t see it.” 

“Whatever,” she said, “this whole family is fucked up.” 

“Don’t say that,” his mom said, her eyes welling up, “Octavia, things aren’t always easy, but we're still a family. We'll get through it.” 

“How many families have siblings who are freaks?” O asked, leaning forward and challenging her mom, “Incestuous freaks.” 

Bellamy choked on his meatloaf- _ what the hell? _

_ “Octavia Marie Blake,” _ their mother seethed, “We said we wouldn’t talk about that.” 

“What are you talking about, O?” 

“You really don’t know what happened?” Octavia rolled her eyes, “at the end of the year, Finn Collins got caught cheating on Clarke, so his response was to tell the entire school about your stupid soul marks- and about your brief, _ whatever it was _.” 

“Everyone knows?” Fuck, Clarke... Bellamy felt his chest ache for the first time in months. She must have been suffering so much- and he had abandoned her. 

“God those meds must have been nice- too bad Clarke doesn’t have any,” Octavia said, looking down at her food, “I guess she trusted the wrong person. No, wait, _ people. _” 

“Octavia, that’s enough.” 

O let out a huff, and left the table too. 

Shit, how had he not noticed all of this happening? 

“_You_ are being transferred and Clarke is being homeschooled next year,” his mom said, "When do you start your new meds?" 

“After my blood test tomorrow... and actually, I've been saving up,” he admitted, “for reprogramming. There’s a curriculum at the facility I’ve been looking at... I can finish my last semester there and take care of this.” 

“Bell, you know those programs rarely work, right? and they’re dangerous...” 

“This one is scientifically based, though... It’ll work, mom.” 

“and if it doesn’t?” 

_ Then I’ll pretend it does, _ he thought to himself, as he shrugged. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is taken from Nirvana's "Lithium".
> 
> Warning: 
> 
> There is marijuana use in this chapter. Bellamy also seeks out medication to manage the anxiety, jealousy and depression associated with his condition. 
> 
> Also note: Bellamy talks about going to a facility for "reprogramming". This idea may be disturbing to some, and his "options" are discussed later.


	7. I'm gonna give ya some of my good time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Bellamy reconnect, like soulmates do, with minimal talking, and maximum understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there are two smut scenes in this chapter- the second more graphic than the other.

Sleep did not come easily to Bellamy now that he was unmedicated and had Clarke under the same roof. Somehow their soul-connection felt so much stronger, and she was hurting, he could feel it. 

Bellamy tossed and turned for hours before he finally gave in. Pulling on a t-shirt and pajama pants, he left his room as quietly as he possibly could. Holding his breath, he made his way to Clarke’s room- only to discover her door ajar. 

Bellamy slipped in easily, closed the door, and sat on the empty side of her bed. With her back to him, he reached over and gently skimmed her soul mark with his index finger. Clarke let out a little whimper and then turned around, her hand landing on Bellamy’s wrist. As her eyes fluttered open, she let out a sigh. 

On instinct, Bellamy lowered himself onto his side of the bed, and Clarke curled into him. He could feel it then, the way they held one another- the way it poured out and allowed one another to drink in each other’s energy... It was profound. There was so much about this soulmate stuff that he didn’t know yet- and just being here with Clarke was shattering his all of his defenses. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, “I didn’t protect you...” 

“Bell,” she said in a hoarse whisper, scooting closer and tightening her hold on him, “I- I’m not strong enough to do this right now.” 

Bellamy merely nodded and kissed her on the crown of her head, they could talk later. 

The next morning, Bellamy woke up early- around four in the morning- and extracted himself from Clarke. He wanted to be there with her, yes. But he couldn’t risk his mom finding him in her bed. If that happened, he’d probably be sent to military school or something- and well, he wasn’t ready to be away from her any sooner than he had to be. 

“Bell?” he heard her voice rise weakly, as soon as his hand hit the doorknob. Turning back, he rushed to her side. 

“Hey, hey,” he said taking her hand, “It’s okay, I’m here.” 

Clarke merely nodded and wormed her way forward, brushing her head against Bellamy’s thigh. With a little effort, she was in his lap. On Instinct, Bellamy’s fingers trailed through her hair, “Clarke what happened to you?” 

“I-,” she started, tears welling in her eyes easily, “It started after Homecoming last year... Bellamy, I was so angry. I was so confused- I thought I could ignore the marks. I thought that I’d be with Finn and somehow how it would change how I felt about you. But it didn’t, and then you started taking the medication... I could feel it you know? It made me feel hollow, sad and sick.” 

“You know I’d never willingly hurt you, Clarke... right?” Bellamy choked out. 

“I know,” she said, lifting her fingers to trail along his cheek, “and I know you love me, even though you shouldn’t. Even though it makes us freaks.” 

“Don’t say that,” he whispered, catching her hand, “It won’t be like this forever, Princess. You’ll be okay.” 

At that, Clarke gave him a questioning look. But she didn’t say anything more. Placing a feather-light kiss on her knuckles, Bellamy set her hand down and continued to stroke her hair, “Clarke, I have to go before Mom gets up, she isn’t going to work today because I have my appointment.” 

“Bellamy, just- please, don’t take any more meds, okay?” 

“Without those, it’ll only get worse,” he pleaded, “and I can’t take it.” 

Without a word, Clarke sat up and wrapped her arms around Bellamy. She felt strong, but frail in his arms. He could tell that she had lost weight, and it made his heart ache. Giving in, Bellamy pulled his arms back and held her waist in his hands. As if sensing his defenses crumbling, Clarke pulled on him, guiding him down onto the bed and into a heated a kiss. 

As their mouths tangled in an almost violent fashion, Clarke opened her legs to him and pulled Bellamy close. When his hips reached her center, she let out a gasp and her head fell back onto her pillow. Bellamy’s lips then moved to her neck, as one of his hands found hers and their fingers joined. 

They continued like that for minutes, kissing, panting, their hips grinding together- chasing any sort of relief they could find. 

And then it happened- Clarke let out a gasp and a loud moan, forcing Bellamy’s hand to fly over her mouth and stifle her cries. She breathed heavily, her chest rising and falling under his own as he thrust his cock against her soft center. He knew she would have to be soaking in order to be this sensitive, and he could even feel the warmth radiating from her. As he felt her entire body tense, she cried out against his hand and her cunt fluttered and then relaxed against him. 

Clarke shook from her release as Bellamy moved his hand away from her lips. She had a small smile on her face and she opened her eyes to gaze dreamily up at him, “that was nice,” she said, kissing him once more while her small hand began to shove its way under Bellamy’s pajama pants. 

Sitting back up, Bellamy halted her movements and shook his head, “Not today, Princess,” he said before he gave her a quick kiss and left the room to take care of himself in the shower. 

* * *

School started, and Clarke turned fifteen three days later. Bellamy pretended to be taking his meds, in an effort to try to keep his mom from asking any questions and keep Clarke from getting sick, but he was already starting to feel the constant need to be around her and with her. 

Much to his surprise, he found that he had a half-days on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Of course, his mind immediately went to going home to visit Clarke, but he knew what would happen if he did that. After making her come that one night, Bellamy was afraid he’d be too tempted to stay away from her. 

That being said, when the library closed down for renovations, Bellamy had nowhere to go, really. So, home it was. It was a somewhat chilly day at the end of September, and Bellamy slipped his shoes off in the foyer before going to his room. Making his way down the hall, he heard some light moaning and a strangled cry coming from his room. He knew without a doubt it was Clarke in there. 

With his heart beating in his throat, he turned the knob and entered as quietly as he could- only to find her lying in his bed on her side. Her cheeks were far too flushed for her to be asleep, her chest was also expanding and contracting rapidly- likely from exertion. Bellamy could even smell her arousal and was willing to bet that she only had panties and a tank top on at most. 

They hadn’t talked about that night at all. There had been a few encounters in the kitchen or the basement that involved bumping into one another, a shy smirk, a blushing blonde, and one or both of them nervously pointing to another part of the house that they were headed to. 

“Is this what you do when I’m not home?” he asked, taking off his jacket and putting it on the chair at his desk. Bellamy observed Clarke blushing furiously, as he took off his pants and shirt- leaving on his boxers and tank top. If she was napping, he would, too. That’s all that was going to happen, of course. 

_ Of course. _

“Clarke?” he said, slipping into the bed, “I heard you... I know you’re awake.” 

She let out a sigh and turned around, hiding her face, “are you mad at me?” 

“Were you thinking about me?” he asked, prying her hands off of her face, and holding her cheeks in his own. He knew now that this was idiotic of him. There was no way he was going to be in the same bed as Clarke after hearing that and keep things innocent. When she nodded Bellamy pulled her close and kissed her softly, then he assured her, “no, I’m not mad.” 

“Okay,” she said, her voice no more than a whisper, “I didn’t come, not the way I did with you... I thought that maybe your bed, the scent of you, would help... it did, but-” 

“But it wasn’t enough?” Bellamy finished her thought. Clarke nodded while she bit her lip. Bellamy studied her face, while he ground his teeth together. Fuck, he wanted her... but it was wrong wasn’t it? This right here was everything he had been avoiding, everything he had been fighting against. 

“Bell,” she whispered, “you don’t have to do anything. I want you to be my first, but I don’t want you to regret it.” 

Bellamy pulled back and laid down on the bed, “you and Finn never...?” 

It didn’t really matter to him, but the idea of being Clarke’s first was a rush for him, just like it was the night they had their first kiss. 

“No, he asked me who my first kiss was, and that was when I told him about us. He wouldn’t touch me after that,” Clarke admitted, “He said I was a desperate slut- a freak that only wanted you because I told him I wasn’t ready for sex when he asked for it. Then he cheated on me.” 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry... you didn’t deserve that.” 

“I knew you would have never done anything like that, Bell,” she said, obviously holding back tears. 

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said, catching her tears on his fingers, “Clarke, what do you want?” 

“I-,” she paused, her expression getting more serious, “I know it’s wrong, Bell, but I want you. And it’s not just that, I _ need _ you. I feel like if I’m not with you... I’m going to go crazy, or wither away.” 

“I know, Princess,” he said, cupping her cheek, and kissing her softly, “I feel it, too. It's driving me insane, Clarke." 

When her blue eyes stared into his, he broke. He knew that he wouldn't be able to fight this much longer. And well, Clarke was older than he was when he lost his virginity. And, it wasn't like he hadn't already made her come. He knew that if he gave in, he could be her first... he could make sure it was good. Maybe that was the least he could do before he went and got rid of their soul connection? At least they would have this? 

Slowly, Bellamy planted kisses along her jaw, down her neck, on her collarbone. With his free hand, he pulled her spaghetti strap to the side and kissed her shoulder. As Clarke’s breath went ragged, he continued his descent, pulling down her tank top to reveal one of her voluptuous, perky breasts. Surveying her reaction, Bellamy pressed his thumb against her rosy nipple. Clarke drew in a sharp breath and bit her lip in response. 

“Clarke, if we do this, we can’t undo it,” Bellamy repeated the warning that he had given her the night they first kissed, and his own voice sounded more wrecked than he’d ever heard it, “I don’t want you to regret it, either."

“I won’t,” she said, opening her eyes, and running her fingers through his hair, “I’ve thought a lot about it, Bell. I don’t think I could ever regret it.” 

Bellamy merely nodded, sealing his lips around her nipple, and sucking on her softly. Upon contact, Clarke gasped, and arched into his touch, her fingers tangling further into his curls. Lavishing her nipple with attention, Bellamy pulled her up and slowly lifted her tank top off. For a moment, he just took her in: blonde waves, cascading over slightly sun-kissed shoulders. One nipple slightly bruised from his tongue and teeth, the other unaltered- natural, beautiful and pure. Immediately, he went for the second breast, while his hand continued to fondle the other. 

While he focused on her chest, Clarke began to moan, holding him against herself steadily. As her moans dissolved into whines, Bellamy’s hands traveled to her waist, her hips, her thighs. Carefully, he skimmed her covered pussy. Fuck- her panties were soaked already. If she wanted to, she could probably take a couple fingers- they'd just have to be careful. 

“Clarke, baby,” Bellamy said, pulling back and kissing her softly, “have you ever had anything stretch you before?” 

“Only my own fingers,” she admitted, blushing. 

“Okay,” Bellamy said, kissing her some more- deeper and deeper until she was clawing at his shoulders and instinctively trying to use her feet to lead his hips to her. He knew then, that she would be okay, but he wanted to take his time. Pulling back again, he dipped his fingers into her panties and immediately was greeted by her arousal, as it dripped out of her folds, “Fuck Clarke, you’re so wet,” he groaned, using one finger to skim over her wet slit. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, her lip trembling a little, “I can’t help it... I know it’s gross.” 

“No, no!” he assured her, laughing lightly, “That’s how you're supposed to be. It means you’re enjoying yourself- it'll make it feel good.” 

“Really?” she asked, in disbelief, "I always thought it was messy and gross." 

“No, babe, you’re perfect. I love how wet you are.” 

“Oh,” she breathed, blushing deeply, “thank you, I think.” 

“Fuck you’re so cute,” Bellamy praised and smiled into her lips, “I love you.” 

“I love you, too, Bell,” she breathed out as if in relief, and then after a minute she asked, “are you going to fuck me now?” 

“Not yet,” he said, “I have to get you ready. I’m kind of... well, big. And I don’t want to hurt you.” 

Clarke just nodded, “I trust you,” she smiled, kissing his lips, his cheek, and then his neck. The sweet gesture felt good, and she surprised Bellamy as she sucked a mark onto his neck. 

“What’s that for?” he asked, laughing. 

“So that the girls at your new school don’t think you’re up for grabs.” 

Bellamy laughed, “am I once again 'Property of Clarke Griffin'?” he asked, referencing the night he told her that they were soulmates. 

“Yeah, something like that,” she said, and while she kissed him, she nudged his fingers further into her folds. As they kissed, he pumped his finger in and out of her, and eventually added a second. 

Ever the overachiever, she attempted to grab his cock, but Bellamy batted her away “Not yet, babe,” he said, resting his head against her shoulder and watching his fingers go in and out of her, “I want you to just enjoy yourself, okay? Just let me make you come.” 

“Okay, Bell,” she said, her head falling back onto his pillow as he hit a particularly sensitive spot. As her hips began to chase his movements, her cries became more and more desperate. 

_“Mhmm... oh, fuck. Bell, I can’t-,” _she pleaded, thrusting into his hand. Playing a little dirty, Bellamy pressed his thumb against her clit as soon as she had started to moan again. In seconds she was coming on his fingers, her little cunt sealing tightly over his digits, her abs convulsing, and her face taking on an expression of twisted pleasure, as her hands flew to her breasts and toyed with her nipples. Fuck, she was a natural- and it was quite the sight to behold. 

Pulling his fingers out, Bellamy rubbed her softly until she came down, kissing her when she reached for him, “How was that?” he asked, searching her eyes, nervous about whether or not he may have hurt her. 

“That felt so good,” she said, still breathing heavily, and smoothing his damp hair back, “Better than the other night even.” 

“Good,” Bellamy turned to check the time and set the alarm for an hour out. Then he got out of bed, trying to ignore his own erection (he didn't miss the way Clarke's eyes fell on it though and bulged), “I’m going to clean you up, then we’ll nap. I set the alarm so that you have time shower before O gets home.” 

“Okay,” she agreed, and Bellamy disappeared to get a warm cloth and clean undergarments for her. He made sure to be gentle with her and even redressed her before he took his place next to her, and held her closely as they fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Soul to Squeeze".


	8. we don't even know...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Bellamy have a talk.  
Bellamy meets a new doctor.

It only got more intense after that. The need, the desire. If Bellamy and Clarke weren’t making out, cuddling, or sneaking into one another’s rooms, they were thinking about it. 

Or at least Bellamy knew he was. And Clarke said she was, and he had no reason to doubt her. Once the dam was opened, Clarke was insatiable. Within weeks, Bellamy had made her come with his hands, his tongue, the bulge of his cock against her. They had done everything that he could do to her, except have sex, and months later, Clarke was beyond antsy. 

“Come on, Bell,” she said when they were alone on a Thursday, “I’m on birth control, so you don’t have to worry about that.” 

“It’s not that, babe,” he said, as he applied some glue to his Intro to Engineering Final Project. 

“Then what is it?” she asked, pulling away from the table and putting her hands on her hips, “it does gross you out, doesn’t it? Being with me?” 

“Clarke, no. No, not at all,” Bellamy said, his eyes pleading with her, “I just... I can’t fuck you, okay?” 

“Why?” she asked pointedly, “you won’t even let me touch you. Are you like sex-repulsed when it comes to yourself? I think I could respect that.” 

“No, trust me. I am not even a little sex-repulsed. There’s a reason why I disappear after...” 

“Oh, that’s reassuring,” Clarke mumbled, “you’d rather have your hand.” 

It was moments like this that reminded Bellamy that Clarke was, indeed, fifteen years old. She looked so defeated, just because he wouldn’t let her touch his cock or blow him. It was actually kind of sweet- but he felt bad like he was chipping away at her self-confidence. 

Bellamy stepped away from the stupid water mill he was making and rubbed his temples; the smell of super glue was starting to get to him. Or at least that’s what he would tell himself later when he realized how stupid the following statement would be, “Clarke, if we have sex, I can’t get the treatment when I turn eighteen. I won’t work, if we “Complete the Bond”, that’s what the clinicians call it.” 

“Wait. I thought you weren’t going to take any more pills?” Clarke said, her voice wavering. 

“It’s not pills. It’s inpatient.” 

“Okay,” she said, apprehensive, “what does it do?” 

Bellamy looked away from Clarke’s blue eyes- they were watering now, and she knew the answer, she just didn’t want to admit it. 

“It’ll free you, Clarke,” he said, “that’s the only reason why I’m gonna do it.” 

At that, Clarke gasped lightly, and her eyes went wide, “Bellamy,” she said, looking horrified, “No. No, absolutely not. You can’t.” 

“I have to,” he insisted as he walked over to her and clasped her shoulders, “Clarke, I love you, but this isn’t what you want for the rest of your life, is it? Having to hide a relationship? What if you want kids, or to get married? I- I wish I could give that to you, but legally, I can’t. And our family would never-” 

“Bellamy, stop!” She yelled, pulling away from him as if she had been burned, “Don’t tell me what I want! And don’t give me that acceptance shit. _ I don’t _ _ care _ about us being adoptive siblings. We can go someplace where no one knows. We can be together- that's all I want.” 

_ “Clarke,” _he groaned, his heart was breaking for her. He knew that she would never understand where he was coming from, but he had to do this for her. It was all for her. 

Bellamy knew that when the treatment was over, he’d never be the same. Maybe by some miracle, he could be happy- but he seriously doubted it. He had no plan to be happy, he just wanted to let Clarke live the life she deserved. 

“You said you go when you turn eighteen?” 

“Yeah, the same week.” 

“Bell...” Clarke cried, “That’s the end of January. That’s next month!” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Were you even going to tell me?” she asked, holding back a sob, and her fingers toying with the charm necklace that Bellamy had given her as a Christmas present- it was a single black rose, “what was the point any of this? To scratch the itch before you could ditch me?” 

“No, no!” Bellamy began to panic a little, and tried to reach out to her again, “I wanted to give you some good memories. Help you figure out what you like, I don’t know. And I planned on being with you, but then I found out how it can affect treatment. Honestly, Princess, just want you to be okay, to feel good... to not be sick.” 

“Oh, so a pity relationship,” Clarke said, “awesome. God, Bellamy... I swear I don’t even know why I try.” 

It stung like crazy, hearing that. Before Bellamy could respond though, the front door opened and his mom was coming in with groceries, “We’ll talk later, okay?” he said, trying to look Clarke in the eye. 

“Unless you decide to leave first,” Clarke bit, hiding her necklace and schooling her expression. 

* * *

Around four in the afternoon, Clarke came into Bellamy’s room and opened the window, “you’ll go out the front door- you're going to study. I’m supposed to be at Harper’s overnight.” 

Bellamy stared at Clarke and he worked his jaw, “what’s going on?” 

“We’re going to see an expert, Bell,” she said, “I need you to understand why you can’t do this.” 

“Fine, but if they don’t convince me... I’m still doing it, okay?” 

“See you outside.” 

Bellamy announced that he had to go help a friend from his new school with his Engineering project because he procrastinated. It would likely take all night. Aurora seemed to believe him easily enough- the class was a hard one, and the teacher did do both a group and individual grade, so it was a good cover. 

By the time he turned around the corner with the Jeep, Clarke was there, waiting for him. She was bundled up, her face still looked upset. Bellamy had no idea what was happening, but he knew Clarke was determined and pissed, and that was either a very good or very bad thing. 

“Okay, I’ll plug in my phone, it’ll give us directions.” 

“Clarke, where are we going?” Bellamy asked, checking for his wallet, just in case. 

“Buckle up, it’s three hours to Chicago, Bellamy.” 

* * *

“Okay, Clarke... Seriously, where are we going?” Bellamy asked as they entered Chicago, “it’s after dark, this isn’t safe.” 

“Oh my god, Bellamy. It’s literally seven-thirty- so grow a pair,” she said, all confidence, “Anyway, we’re going to go talk to the two leading experts on Clinical Animology,” she offered, Bellamy knew all too well what she meant- the Latin phrase for the soul was Le Anima... “And we don’t really need an appointment, considering one of them is my birth mom.” 

“You- you know?” Bellamy asked, swallowing thickly, he had most of Dr. Griffin’s books- but he thought he had hidden them from Clarke. 

“Of course, I know, I looked her up when I got the DNA results back...” Clarke said as if it was absurd that she wouldn’t do her homework, “Anyway, I’m sure she’ll give us perspective. And she’s been wanting to see me in person.” 

Bellamy merely nodded, as the GPS led them through a couple of neighborhoods. Finally reaching their destination, he stopped Clarke before she could get out of the car, “Is this okay? Does she know we’re coming?” 

“Yes, of course.” 

“Oh...” Bellamy felt his stomach tighten in a knot, “are you okay? This is a big deal for you...” 

“Not as big of a deal as losing you, Bell,” she looked down and plucked Bellamy’s hand from her arm, “Now, let’s go prove you wrong- as per usual.” 

The woman had the gall to smirk back at him, and Bellamy had to stop himself from trying to kiss her. After their talk, he had no idea where they stood. The fact that she was trying so hard to preserve their soul connection was endearing, and Bellamy found himself even more in love with her. 

When they made it to one of the doors of the grand-looking Greystones, Clarke knocked without hesitation. Much to Bellamy’s surprise, the person who answered wasn’t Abby Griffin- it was Dr. Marcus Kane. 

“Hello, can I help you?” 

“Hi, I’m Clarke Blake... and this is Bellamy,” she said, pausing slightly over his name. Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself, “I’m Abby Griffin’s daughter, the one she left in a church fifteen years ago.” 

“Ah, yes, you look like Jake,” the man said softly. His eyes were kind, and he reminded Bellamy of some sort of Jesus look-alike, just with darker hair, and grey spreading there, “I know Abby would love to see you. She’s inside, it’s been a tiring day.” 

“Of course, thank you,” Clarke said, suddenly looking less than confident. As she shook a little, Bellamy reached for her hand, which she drew strength from. 

“This way, Please,” Dr. Kane ushered them to a sitting room and asked if they wanted coffee or tea. The pair said coffee would be great, and it was brought to them minutes later, by Kane himself. After a few minutes, a bell was rung, and Kane excused himself. When he came back, he had a frail-looking woman on his arm. As soon as the woman saw Clarke, her eyes welled up. 

“Oh,” she said, her breath betraying her, “you actually came.” 

“Yeah,” Clarke said as she squeezed Bellamy’s hand hard, “thank you for seeing us.” 

At that moment, Abby’s gaze flicked to Bellamy and back to Clarke, “Is this him?” 

Clarke merely nodded. 

“Hey, actually, how about I talk to Bellamy, and you and Clarke get to know one another?” Dr. Kane offered, helping Abby sit down in the chair. 

“Oh,” Clarke turned to Bellamy, “is that okay?” 

“Yeah, it’s fine. I know who Dr. Kane is... I think he’ll be able to give me the perspective I need.” 

“Okay, good,” Clarke whispered, “good luck.” 

With a tiny chuckle, Bellamy leaned forward and kissed Clarke. It was more out of habit than anything else, and he didn’t miss how wide Clarke’s eyes went- they had never kissed in front of anyone. Bellamy had no idea what possessed him to do it, but he did and it was done. 

“I’ll be back soon.” 

Clarke merely nodded. 

Dr. Kane led Bellamy to his study and offered him a seat. Feeling too nervous to sit, Bellamy stood. After closing the door, Dr. Kane sat behind his desk, and let out a sigh, “Mr. Blake,” he said, pulling out a familiar-looking letter from his desk- it was Bellamy application for admission to the program, “I am not sure if you are aware, but I read all of the scholarship applications and essays. Yours showed great promise, but you didn’t tell me in your essay that your soulmate was your adopted sister, nor did you say that you’d been intimate with her.” 

“Does that matter?” 

“More than you’d think, honestly,” he said evenly, his eyes burrowing into Bellamy's, "you aren't eligible for reprogramming if the bonding process was initiated."

As Bellamy stared at the man before him, he felt dizzy. Sitting down, he tried to gain his bearings, "What does that mean?"

"Well, usually it would mean the intimate touching of one another's soul marks at the same time. For others, its the physical act of intimacy. But, you'd know it- you can feel it. Its a profound rush of energy often registered as a pleasant warmth or arousing sensation. If this has happened, reprogramming is far too dangerous for the soulmate that doesn't participate."

"How dangerous?" Bellamy asked, eyes narrowing, "When I took Lithium, she could feel it... is it like that?"

"Somewhat," Kane admitted, "due to how invasive the procedures can be, an outside soulmate would likely die or kill themselves from the depression and confusion caused by the removal process." 

"Seriously? So that's it? There's nothing else you can do?" 

"Well, no. There are two other options, one very effective- but dangerous for you, Mr. Blake." 

"Go on," Bellamy said, willing to do whatever it would take to give Clarke the life she deserved.

"Well, the first," Kane paused, weighing his words carefully, "you would have to die, _temporarily_. It would theoretically erase your mark, like a factory reset." 

"Okay, and the second option?" Bellamy asked, not liking the idea of dying too much.

"Give in," Dr. Kane suggested, and Bellamy couldn't believe what he was hearing, "as in, complete the bond."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic title from 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins


	9. we don't even care, as restless as we are... we feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of Kane and Bellamy's conversation... and Bellamy makes a decision.

“So either I reset, or what..._ complete the level?_” 

“If you want to treat it like a video game, sure,” Dr. Kane said, “I can’t tell you which to do, but if you want to reset, this is the age to do so. You’re still young. Of course, Clarke would have to do it, too.” 

“No,” Bellamy said, his natural instinct kicking back in, “Clarke won’t be dying, never.” 

“It’s just the options Bellamy, nothing more, nothing less,” Kane said, completely blasé about all of it.

Bellamy began to breathe hard, he felt like his body couldn’t catch up with his brain. In moments, Kane had a paper bag in his hands, and was guiding him through a panic attack, “Are you okay?”

Finally, when Bellamy settled down, the doctor handed him a pill and water, “Clonazepam, you’re familiar with it. I am going to give one to Clarke, I have a feeling that she may have partly caused that.” 

Bellamy merely nodded. He wanted to go check on Clarke, but he couldn’t move. His entire existence seemed to be tethered to that chair, to that moment. When Kane got back, he started talking, “Of course, if you complete the bond, it’ll be mostly satiated. As long as you stay away from one another, you won’t feel the urges anymore,” he said, “for example, if you were to go to college a few states away, Clarke would be fine- provided the parting wasn’t too tumultuous.” 

“Really?” 

“The time between bond activation and bond completion is the most unstable. How long ago did it happen?”

Bellamy thought back to their first kiss... that was when it had occurred, Clarke had wrapped her hand around his wrist, and Bellamy had felt the heat. In response, he had moved his hand over her ear. He had no idea that was what happened, but it made sense. 

“I didn’t know,” he said, staring at Kane wide-eyed.

“It’s not your fault,” he assured him, “the marks, they  _ want _ to be activated... the natural urges want to be satisfied... It’s just as evolutionary as it is a phenomenon of the soul. That’s why most connections happen between people who aren’t blood-related. So how long has it been?”

Bellamy nodded, “it happened about a year and a half ago.”

“And you two have been under the same roof ever since?” Dr. Kane looked concerned, “that’s torture.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

“Look, I can’t tell you what to do, because, you’re both underage. And legally this is incest, and it’s a crime. But you can either complete your bond, or you can both have your heart stopped and be brought back after thirty seconds. However, if the bond is incredibly strong, it could always come back. So, really it’s a matter of what makes the most sense to you and Clarke.” 

For what seemed like forever, Bellamy stared at his  soul-mark . It was both the best and worst thing that had ever happened to him. Only when Kane cleared his throat, did Bellamy snap back to reality,  “Okay, thank you, Dr. Kane.” 

“Don’t thank me,” he said, “oh, and take this. You can use it for that college that will be states away.” 

At that, Kane handed him a check, “it’s the amount you paid plus the scholarship I was going to award you.” 

Bellamy nodded, “I thought that was non-refundable?” 

“Well, when it comes to my soulmate’s daughter, I have to do what I can.” 

Oh, wow. That was quite a revelation.

“Abby’s first soulmate was her great uncle, Fred...” Kane said, “she was one of the first to be successfully reset- after Frank died of course. We did it together. I didn’t have a mark, and then weeks after Jake died, they both appeared... I came to Wisconsin and found Abby there, crying about how she left her baby- she was so high, she didn’t remember where she left her.” 

Bellamy felt like he could cry, it wasn’t fair to Clarke- what a betrayal. 

“I know it’s not the best situation for you, but it’s better than if she had been with Abby,” Kane sighed, “If Abby weren’t my soulmate... I never would have been able to make it through everything with her. And she is a beautiful, brilliant woman. That’s the anomaly about soulmates, Bellamy, you see the best and the absolute worst because you see them in a way that no one else ever could... and somehow, you keep on coming back, no matter what.”

“Even if you and Clarke part ways,” he said, his eyes refocusing on Bellamy, “you’ll call out to one another in times of need. You'll feel her if she moves to the same city- maybe even the same state as you. They’re magnificent things, soulmates. Resilient, yet patient and soft. I hope you don’t actually miss out on yours.” 

Rubbing his temples, Bellamy had to think about everything he was hearing... Was Kane actually encouraging him to be with Clarke? Like, in the long run? 

“Thank you for your time, Dr. Kane,” Bellamy said, his head feeling heavier than it had in a long while, “I think I ought to go now.” 

“Best of luck, Bellamy Blake,” he said, as they shook hands, “Be well.” 

* * *

“What did he say?” Clarke asked as they drove around Chicago. Bellamy was still in a bit of a daze, but Clarke’s voice brought him back to earth. 

“You were right,” he said, “it’s too dangerous, for both of us.” 

“I’m sorry, Bell. I didn’t want it to be like that... I just knew. And I can’t lose you.” 

“I know, baby,” he said, his hand moving to her thigh. If this was how it had to be, Bellamy was done fighting it, “should we find a place to stay tonight?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Clarke’s voice sounded strained, “I’ll look on my phone.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, “are you hungry?” 

“I could eat,” Clarke said, dialing out on her phone, “Oh hi, I was wondering if you had any rooms for rent? Um... one bed is fine, thank you.” 

_ Well, at least she forgives me, _ Bellamy thought to himself as he squeezed Clarke's thigh. He then began to move his hand up and down over her inner thigh, all the while knowing how the motion drives her crazy and gets her heated.

This would at least be a good night for Clarke, Bellamy decided that he would make sure of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title taken from the smashing pumpkins song, 1979


	10. the restless heart, the promised land... a subtle kiss that no one sees...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the pair talk, eat, and spend the night together.

After the initial shock of his talk with Dr. Kane, Bellamy needed some time before being alone with Clarke. They were set to check into a best western, and they could show up whenever they were ready. Considering it was only nine in the evening, Clarke suggested they get some Chicago style deep dish pizza. 

And they did just that. As they ate, Bellamy couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. _ What if they could do this? _ What if they could actually be together? Maybe Bellamy could go to college somewhere, and make a life for himself- one where no one knew about his family or Arkadia at all? Maybe then, Clarke could join him after she finished high school? 

What if Clarke just moved with him and was his girlfriend? 

The idea made Bellamy’s stomach flip and his heart race. 

Could they pull something like that off? Could they both leave Mom and Octavia behind like that? 

“Hey,” as Bellamy looked down to find Clarke’s hand resting over his, she squeezed his hand. Smiling lightly, he looked up and met her brilliant blue eyes, “what’s going on Bell? You haven’t said anything for over a half-hour.” 

“Oh, I’m just thinking about all the stuff Kane said,” he admitted, “He told me there were two other options.” 

All the color seemed to drain from Clarke’s face as she registered what Bellamy was saying, “Wait, so you can’t be reprogrammed, but there are other ways to what, exactly?” 

“To deal with the situation,” Bellamy said, taking a sip of his coke, “the first one was to Reset... Basically, we have our hearts stopped and then restarted after thirty seconds. It’s said to Reset the subject, and rid them of the soul connection.” 

“Do you really believe that?” 

“No, not for a moment,” Bellamy said, turning his hand over to grasp Clarke’s, “some people’s marks come back if their connection is strong. And I don’t want you getting your heart stopped, that’s too much of a risk, Clarke.” 

“Thank you,” she said, blushing lightly, “I don’t want you to die either, even if it’s only temporary.” 

At that, Bellamy couldn’t help but grin. The sentence had an odd air of romance to it, and he couldn’t help but feel the spark of tension between them. 

“And the other option?” Clarke asked as Bellamy zoned out, staring at her collarbone, suddenly he had a flash of a vision of himself buried inside of her, biting her shoulder, kissing along her collarbone to her neck, and capturing her lips with his own. Suddenly aware of himself, Bellamy had to adjust how he was sitting, “Woohoo, earth to Bell?” 

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Bellamy shook himself out of his daydream. Those had become commonplace for him, having visions of making love to Clarke. Dreams about fucking her until she was delirious with pleasure. He didn’t even know how he knew some of the stuff that happened in those dreams- and sometimes, it felt different. Like they were different. Older maybe? Married, and living together with kids. 

Maybe they’d known one another in a past life? 

Or, maybe Bellamy was just supposed to feel that way. Maybe it was nature’s way of forcing the whole soulmate experience- perhaps it was evolutionary, meant to push them together until they mated. 

“The other option?” Clarke asked again, her eyes were now narrow and her expression investigative, as if trying to figure out what was going on in Bellamy’s head. Bellamy found that his palms were growing warm, and his throat was dry. 

“Um, we can talk about that one later,” he said, feeling a rush of warmth covering his ears and cheeks. Of course, he could be with Clarke for months, kissing her, touching her, getting her off- but now thinking about the reality of what he could do, _ what he wanted to do, _ was making him incredibly nervous. 

He hadn’t actually had sex with anyone but Gina- and they only did the whole thing every once in a while. It never felt right to Bellamy, although once they got going, they both enjoyed it, and she told him he was very good at it. 

But even then, he knew he had a soulmate... Maybe he should have waited. 

“How- uh,” Bellamy tried to talk, but found his throat was constricted. Clearing his throat, he took a drink of water and continued his question, “How did it go with Dr. Griffin?” 

“Well,” Clarke said, the smile falling from her face, “between feeling what you were feeling, and hearing her bullshit story, I had a panic attack.” 

Bellamy nodded, “Yeah, me too... I’m sorry it didn’t go well.” 

“It was okay. I got a lot of closure about the situation, even though it hurts,” Clarke said, her fingers wrapping around the charm necklace that she always wore. 

“What you mean?” Bellamy asked, eyeing her carefully. 

“Let’s just say that she doesn’t judge us, at least,” Clarke said, “but she also doesn’t even remember leaving me at the church. Apparently, she traveled up to Wisconsin for drugs and left me somewhere. She didn’t even file a missing person’s report, because she was so high- and afraid of going to jail.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, she told me Marcus found me though, when I was a year and a half,” Clarke said, wiping away a couple of tears that had a mind of their own, “_ he _ looked for me, so that she could sign away her rights, and so that they could start over fresh- without the idea of me weighing them down.” 

“Did she say it like that?” Bellamy asked it was hard to believe Marcus would allow something like that- or at least in such a brash manner. 

“She didn’t need to “_ say it like that”, _ Bell. I know what she really means, she never wanted me.” 

“Or maybe she knew she was weak? Maybe she saw that you were happy with us, and wanted to give you a better life?” Bellamy asked, and when Clarke tried to speak, he went on, “Listen, I’m not defending her, what she did was shitty. But Clarke, I can’t imagine life without you. Every moment of my childhood, you made better.” 

At that, Clarke merely looked away, “even though I knew I wasn’t like you and O, I was always happy. So, I guess it wasn’t bad.” 

“There you go,” Bellamy smiled, “you belong with us, that’s just the way it is, Clarke. You have a mom, a sister... a soulmate. I’m glad you met your birth mom, but you have everything you need with us.” 

As the waitress brought over the bill, Bellamy pulled out his wallet and got out his debit card. When he looked up at Clarke, she had an expression on her face that Bellamy had never seen before. It took him a while to realize what it was- relief. 

* * *

After they made it to the hotel, Bellamy let Clarke shower first and then took one himself. When he came out of the bathroom in his boxers, Clarke was one the bed in just her bike shorts and a tank top, aimlessly flicking through the channels. For a moment, Bellamy considered just putting his pajamas on (the ones that Clarke had so thoughtfully packed for him), but he decided against it. 

Swallowing his nerves, he made his way to the bed and ran his hand down the curve of her back. When he reached her ass, he ghosted over it a couple of times and then dipped his fingers underneath the fabric to grasp her cheek firmly. Clarke let out a little whimper, but pressed her legs together and kept her eyes on the television. Settling on some stupid cooking show. 

Bellamy knew that she was making him work for her attention. And this was a game that he was more than happy to play. Letting his hands wander over her body, he rubbed her shoulders, her back, and found himself grazing her ass. When she anchored her knees in place, he stopped and questioned her, “Clarke, babe,” he whispered, “do you want to mess around?” 

“Not if I don’t get to make you feel good, too,” she said, flipping the channel. Swallowing hard, Bellamy stood up and took his boxers off. This would be the first time she’d actually fully seen his cock, and fuck, that made it throb with need. 

Stroking himself a couple of times, he climbed back onto the bed and braced himself over Clarke, who was still on her stomach. Kissing the back of her neck, she let out a tiny sigh and began to whine under him, “If you want it, I’ll give it to you,” Bellamy whispered, kissing the shell of her ear, and then her soul-mark, “I’ll give you everything,” he murmured, using his knees to part her thighs, before he ground his hard cock against her. 

Clarke let out a tiny squeak of surprise. but she returned the same amount of force, making Bellamy groan in pleasure. Taking the opportunity to turn around underneath him, Clarke pulled him into a heated kiss. Hands anchored on either side of her head, Bellamy kissed her and pressed his hips into hers- just enough to get her going, but not enough to make her come. The more ragged her breath became, the more he teased her cunt. 

Never one to be rushed, Bellamy took his time kissing her lips, her neck, and her chest, “Clarke, want me to take your shirt off?” 

When Clarke nodded, he sat back on his heels and she followed, letting him pull the shirt off easily. As soon as it was off, Clarke covered her breasts and belly with each arm, “uh-uh, babe,” he said, peeling her arms back. I want to see how perfect you are.” 

His eyes searched hers, and then he looked down at her naked torso, “Jesus Clarke, you’re beautiful.” 

Clarke just let out a little laugh, chewed on her lip and blushed. It seemed like she couldn’t look at him... Maybe she needed an invitation? 

“You can look at me, Clarke,” he suggested lightly, “if you want to.” 

When her eyes fell on him, her gaze roved over his bronze-freckled skin and she looked... _ hungry. _

“Are we gonna have sex?” she asked, her voice sounding small but curious. 

“That depends, Princess, do you want to?” Bellamy asked, steadying her back with his hand before she could fall back on to the bed, “Is this what you want, Clarke? You can say no. I’ll respect you.” 

Clarke was breathing heavily, her hands coming up to settle on Bellamy’s chest, “what changed?” she asked. 

“I’m done trying to fight it,” he said, “there’s no other way to get throughthis without driving ourselves crazy.” 

“This is the last option?” 

“Yeah,” Bellamy confirmed, expecting Clarke to get angry and slap him. Instead, she pulled him in for a swift kiss. 

“Okay,” she smiled. 

“Are you sure about this?” 

“you don’t see me complaining, do you?” 

Bellamy dipped his head into her neck and smiled while she ran her fingers through his hair. Pulling back, he kissed her deeply as Clarke moved to straddle his lap. As they continued kissing, she worked her covered center against his hard cock, making him moan into her mouth. 

“After we have sex,” she said, “you’re gonna teach me how to blow you, okay?” 

“_Fuck, Clarke..._ here I thought I couldn’t fall any more in love with you,” he groaned, before biting her shoulder gently. 

Clarke let out a small laugh, and Bellamy laid her down. While he used one arm to brace her back, he used the other hand to work her shorts off. Not wanting to let go of her, he caught the shorts between his toes and dragged them down the rest of the way. Immediately, Clarke spread her legs for him, and let out a sigh as he dipped his fingers through her arousal. 

“Fuck,” Bellamy moaned, “you’re gonna feel so good on my cock.”

_"Bell,"_ Clarke scolded him.

"What?" he asked, smirking, "don't like that word?" 

"Not really..." she admitted, ducking her head in embarrassment. 

"Trust me, you'll learn to love it." 

As he stroked her clit lazily, Clarke merely rolled her eyes. Focusing his attention on her breasts, shoulders, and neck, Bellamy worked her until she was squirming under him and starting to beg for more.

“Let me just make sure you’re ready for me, okay?” 

“Mhmm,” she consented, trusting him. He loved that she trusted him completely. 

Bellamy plunged two fingers into her without any real warning, and Clarke let out a sharp moan as her back arched toward him, “hold on babe,” he whispered, as he made a scissoring motion in her wet heat, “almost there...” 

When she was sufficiently panting and shaking, Bellamy stopped his motions and added a third finger. While he paid special attention to the almond-shaped hard spot in her slick cunt, Clarke cried out and began to move her legs, as if to get away from him. This was something she did when she got close to an orgasm- it was uncontrollable and involuntary, and she made that clear by begging for more. 

_“Please, please, please,”_ she almost sobbed, _“Bell, I need to come.” _

“It's okay, baby, I've got you...” he soothed her, as he pulled his hand out. Settling between her thighs, he ran his erect cock through her folds and enjoyed the view while she let out little surprised gasps. After teasing her, he finally settled and began to push into her. 

Bellamy watched Clarke’s face as he filled her up, as soon as she had felt him pushing into her, she opened her eyes and kept them glued to his. When Bellamy was about halfway in, Clarke began to hiss in pain. Pulling out again, he rubbed her thighs with and told her to just breathe, “it’s okay, it might hurt at first, but it’ll feel better, okay?” 

Clarke nodded, “I want it,” she said, “so, please, don’t stop- even if I cry.” 

“Clarke, I’m going to be gentle. I don't want to hurt you,” he said, bending her knee so that he could place a light kiss on it. 

Trying again, he slowly entered her. This time, Clarke covered her ample breasts with her smaller hands, and kept her breath steady in an effort to stay relaxed. Starting out with shallow thrusts, Bellamy rocked his hips in and out, slowly working his way forward and eventually bottoming out. Finally, he could feel his body against hers, deliciously close- they were chest to chest, center to center, and every inch of her skin was setting his own aflame, “are you ready, Clarke?” he asked, threading his hands through her gold waves, “do you feel okay?” 

“Yeah, it feels different thank your fingers, but it's good,” she smiled, her arms linking around his neck. As Bellamy began to thrust against her steadily, Clarke quickly loosened up enough for him to gain speed. As she began to moan, she chased his movements with her own hips. 

_“Fuck,”_ she moaned, _“Oh, wow...”_

Bellamy smiled against her forehead, as he moved his hips different ways so that they could figure out what she liked, _“Oh! Wait... there, Bell...”_ continuing in the direction she liked, he quickly pumped in and out of her. After a few minutes, she wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled on his curls as she tightened around his thick cock. Within moments, she was fluttering around him, her body pulling him in as deeply as it possibly could. 

When she recovered from her release, he fucked her hard and fast while he thumbed at her clit. The tighter she got, the more he lost his mind. Kissing her greedily, he continued pounding into her until hot pleasure covered him head to toe. When Clarke dug her fingernails into his back, the pressure seemed to explode through him. Grasping her ass tightly, Bellamy spilled into her with a loud shuddering groan. 

Trying to catch his breath, Bellamy laid his head on her chest and enjoyed the feel of his soulmate combing her fingers through his hair while she hummed. Once recovered, he kissed his way back up to her lips, and settled at her side, “how was it?” he asked, a little nervous for her opinion. 

Cupping his cheek, Clarke swept her thumb over his jaw, and stared at his lips before smiling and reassuring him, “you were perfect,” she said, kissing him. Then she pulled back and gently moved his rebellious curls out of his eyes, “we were perfect together Bell.” 

And well, he couldn’t really fight with that, could he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from "Can You Read My Mind," by The Killers 
> 
> There is graphic sexual content in this chapter.


	11. Slide of her dress, shouts in darkness, I'm so alive...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Bellamy get home... a month later, they hook up at Bellamy's birthday party.
> 
> Also, there is like smut IMMEDIATELY. So be aware of that!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I want to say thank you for reading, giving kudos and commenting!

Bellamy woke in the morning with a warm and wet sensation enveloping his cock. As he came to, he realized that he was groaning and bucking his hips against an unseen force. Opening his eyes, he turned to see if Clarke was next to him, and of course, she wasn’t. With a grin, he found her lying between his legs, in just a bra and panties, sucking him off. 

“God damn,” Bellamy hissed in pleasure, “you coulda killed me- waking up to a vision like this.” Clarke merely giggled and took his cock completely in her mouth, until he was hitting the back of her throat. She did all the right things with her hands and fingers... and she did a few things with her tongue that Bellamy had never even thought of. 

“Fuck, babe,” Bellamy groaned, as she released his cock with a lewd ‘pop’, and began to run her tongue over just the head and slit, “you are way too good at this...” 

“There’s no such thing,” she smirked as she kissed the underside of his cock and took him back into her mouth. Bucking his hips, he threaded his fingers through her hair and thrusted against her face until he came hot and hard on her tongue. Clarke, ever the perfectionist, hollowed out her cheeks and sucked him dry, swallowing his load with enthusiasm. 

Bellamy laid there, breathing heavily and waiting for his heart rate to calm. After a few minutes, he told Clarke to get up there so he could spread her thighs out, and make her come on his face. 

She did just that, riding him until she was screaming his name. Their shower after that was warm, lazy and full of soft kisses. 

Around noon, they were finally making their way out of Chicago and headed home. With a sheepish grin, Clarke realized she’d left her phone charging in the car all night, and went to check it. 

“Shit, shit!” she yelled, frantically gripping her iPhone, which was adorned with a Tardis phone case, “Fuck. Mom called the police.” 

_“What?”_ Bellamy yelled in surprise, “What the hell happened?” 

“She called Harper... I have a ton of texts from O saying I got caught. They seem to only be looking for me.” 

“Shit,” Bellamy said, getting onto the highway, “Okay, here it is, Clarke. You wanted to go meet your birth mom... you got stuck in Chicago and called me to come to get you because you didn’t want to get in trouble... got it?” 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s the safest explanation,” Clarke admitted, “I’m sorry, Bell.” 

“It’s okay,” Bellamy assured her, his hand landing on her thigh, and soothing her with small circles, “I don’t regret coming here- I just don’t want you to get in trouble.” 

“Well, I’m definitely getting grounded...” she mumbled, “at least my boyfriend lives in the same house as me.” 

“Your boyfriend?” Bellamy asked, grinning. 

“Sorry, my _ secret _ boyfriend.” 

“Ah, yes,” Bellamy laughed sarcastically, “the unfortunate truth of our circumstances.” 

When they finally got home, the police were still lingering, just one pair though. After noting that Clarke had safely returned with her seventeen-year-old brother (Bellamy hated when they called him that) they made off to the station, ready to end their shifts, presumably. 

After Clarke got yelled at for a good thirty minutes, she was sent to her room, and Aurora asked Bellamy to come talk. 

“Nothing happened, right?” she asked, looking completely frazzled, “Bellamy, you and Clarke didn’t...” 

“Mom, what the hell?” he deflected. Bellamy was a lot of things, but a good liar was not one of them, “I was her ride.” 

_ Well, it wasn’t technically (or metaphorically) a lie. _

“Yeah, you’re right,” she murmured, rubbing her temples, “Sorry, honey. I just worry so much about you two... I feel like I’m losing my grip here.” 

“Hey, this whole thing... it's not your fault, Mom,” Bellamy assured her, “it’s just the way life is- we'll all get through it.” 

As he clasped her shoulder, Bellamy watched his mom look him up and down, a moment of doubt flitted over her face before it was replaced by exhaustion again, “thank you for keeping Clarke safe,” she said before saying she had to get ready for work. 

Shortly after she left, Bellamy made dinner. O ate quickly and asked if she could go to her boyfriend’s place for a little bit. Bellamy said yes, but to make sure she was home by eleven. 

“Yeah, right,” she said, practically scoffing, “bye, losers.” 

Once cleanup was all done, Bellamy went to look for Clarke. He found her downstairs on the couch watching Lilo and Stitch, while she was silently crying. 

“Hey, hey,” Bellamy cooed, scooping her up and holding her close, “What’s wrong?” 

“I just,” Clarke hiccupped and buried her face in Bellamy’s neck, “I don’t think Mom and O like me much anymore.” 

Pulling her closer, Bellamy reassured her that they loved her, “Plus, I love you, Clarke. I love you so much, you’re gonna beg me to stop it at some point. It’s gonna get ridiculous. Seriously.” 

“Okay, you big dork,” she half-giggled, kissing his neck softly, before settling into a chaste embrace. After about five minutes, she fell asleep in Bellamy's arms, and he realized that there was nowhere else he wanted to be. 

* * *

Clarke remained grounded until Bellamy’s birthday, which was convenient because Miller and Jasper had decided to throw a party. With all the shit that went on in school last year, Bellamy was surprised that so many people had come to it. But here he was, dressed with Clarke in mind, drinking cheap beer out of a solo cup, and pretending to enjoy himself, while over a hundred other teens danced and drank in Miller’s huge house (Miller’s dad did something with national defense... so yeah. Bombs equal money). 

Dr. Kane hadn’t been wrong when he said that completing their bond would help- it really did. Bellamy didn’t feel jealous when other guys paid attention to Clarke anymore. He no longer had angsty sex dreams about her (just good ones- peaceful ones). The best part though was how domestic it felt when it was just the two of them. They really only had sex a few times a week now, but the intimacy was amazing. Knowing each other thoughts, anticipating each other's needs, being able to just be there silently... 

Having a soulmate was amazing. 

As the thought flitted through his mind, Bellamy spotted the familiar flash of blonde, headed toward the bathroom. 

Well... it was his birthday, right? 

Handing his beer off to the closest person willing to take it, Bellamy followed Clarke into the bathroom. While she gripped the sink, he shut the door, and pushed the lock into place. Making his way to her, he watched her in the mirror, as she bit her lip. Even without the light on, he could see the playful glint in her eye. 

“Hey, Princess,” he murmured, lowering his lips to her neck. Immediately, her hand found his hair, and she opened up to him, “how was your day?” 

“It was okay... O took forever to decide on her outfit for the party,” she said, turning around, and allowing Bellamy to kiss her deeply, while she undid his pants, “Sorry we were late,” she said, as he started pulling her skirt up. 

“It’s okay, you’re here... that’s all that matters.” 

“Happy Birthday by the way,” Clarke smiled against his lips, “Enjoy your present.” 

“I believe I will,” he laughed, as his finger grazed her clit and she let out a little moan, “yeah, I definitely will.” 

The talking stopped as the pair got lost in one another. Their kisses were fast and heated, while Bellamy lifted Clarke up onto the counter and slid himself into her. Clutching one another, they carried each other steadily to their release, which had Clarke coming with an involuntary shout, and Bellamy spilling into her, whispering her praises. 

Not wanting separate, Bellamy remained inside Clarke, kissing down her neck lazily, “I love you,” he whispered sweetly. 

“I love you, too, Bell,” she murmured, resting her chin on his head with a contented sigh.

Suddenly, the perfect moment was shattered by the lights turning on, "oh, shit, sorry dude," a very drunk Murphy said, "the lock, broke."

In a panic Bellamy pulled his pants up and tried to help Clarke straighten up.

But they weren't fast enough.

_ “Oh__my god, wh__at the fuck?" _Another_, more familiar, _voice ripped through the room. While Clarke ducked behind Bellamy, he turned around to find Octavia and Raven standing at the door, both of them frozen in shock. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Title taken from the song "Deep Inside of You," by Third Eye Blind.


	12. You step out of line, the man come and take you away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month after getting caught, we see the fallout that results from Bellamy and Clarke's actions. 
> 
> Warning: this will not be a fun chapter, but it's important.

“Bellamy, this is the best deal you’re going to get,” Ethan Shumway, Bellamy’s state-appointed criminal defense lawyer advised, “I would strongly consider taking it.” 

“So, I go to a _ facility _ for a year, have my mark forcibly removed, and what?” Bellamy asked tapping his knuckles on the table, “then I never see my family again? What do I do when I get out?” 

“Look, the facility has rehabilitation services. You can get your GED, get ready for college... you can make a life for yourself, Bellamy,” the man said, “the court is being lenient because of the marks. You just can’t see Clarke until she turns eighteen. So, I would advise not going home.” 

Bellamy shook his knees under the table and ran his hand through his hair. The last month had been a complete and utter nightmare. Being caught with Clarke had created a fallout that not even Bellamy had anticipated... and the cops found out because he’d been stupid. Murphy ran his mouth after catching them, so Bellamy kicked his ass, and the cops were called. 

Of course, now that he was eighteen the cops were compelled to do _something_ about him fucking his fifteen-year-old adopted sister. _ Unlawful Sexual Intercourse with a Minor _was the official charge. And since they were siblings, there was no “Romeo and Juliet” loophole to hide behind. 

“The alternative is the charges we discussed earlier, in conjunction with Incest with a Minor, Bellamy. That’s two years in jail, ten-thousand-dollars and you’d have to register.” 

“Register?” he asked, not quite understanding the implication. 

“You’d have to get on the sex-offender registry,” Shumway said, talking lowly- the idea made Bellamy sick. He wasn’t... no... it wasn’t the same. 

“But, I’m... I’m not-” Bellamy started, only to fail at the simple task of constructing a sentence. 

“I know you aren’t a sex offender, Bellamy. She’s your soulmate- I get it. But the court... they don’t. Reputable doctors and scholars submitted statements on your behalf, and that is the only reason you have this deal. Everyone is trying to understand your plight,” Shumway paused, folding his hands and leveling with Bellamy, “But the court can’t _not _do something about it. If we let every “soulmate” do this, it would be mayhem. That’s why they are only willing to lessen the charge to public indecency, underage drinking, and domestic disturbance- because of the fight with John Murphy.” 

Murphy had been arrested that night, too. So, there was that, at least. Closing his eyes, Bellamy could see the look of shock on Clarke’s face- the panic in her eyes- as he was cuffed for breaking his the other guy’s nose. Murphy had fucked up Bellamy’s wrist- but he didn’t say anything about it. The pain took his mind off of the numb sensation that he got when he considered Clarke and the charges that were brought against him. It wasn’t until Murphy yelled something about ‘The Bangin’ Blakes’ doing it in the bathroom that the police began to suspect there was more to it. 

Bellamy had no idea that what he and Clarke had done was so_ illegal. _ He knew it was taboo, yes. He even knew that most adults considered it wrong... but as words like_ felony_, _sex offender_, _rape _and _incest _were thrown around Bellamy’s stomach betrayed him. 

_ If it was so wrong... _ _ How could he have ever thought that __it __was okay? _

“And my mom? Does she have to know?” 

“Bellamy, Aurora is Clarke’s mom, too. She already knows.” 

“She knows everything?” 

“Everything.” 

Bellamy knew it was useless to fight. This was life now... He had to take the deal that hurt his future the least. At least he wasn’t actually being prosecuted for his relationship with Clarke- not officially. 

“Fine,” he said, “I’ll take the deal.” 

* * *

“Will she be home?” the cop asked, as Bellamy let himself into his mom’s house for the last time. 

“I honestly don’t know,” Bellamy said, picking up his boxes and walking in. He didn’t want to lie. If he got caught lying, he could get in so much trouble. He could even have his deal thrown out, “As far as I know, she takes Chorus on Mondays and Wednesdays at the High School in Sanctum.” 

The cop nodded, “okay, let me check the house, just in case,” he then walked around, knocking on doors and asking for Clarke to come out if she was there. Bellamy wanted her to be there so badly, but he knew they wouldn’t be able to even talk- so he tried to banish the thought, “Okay, only essentials- no contraband, clear?” 

Bellamy nodded, grabbing the two boxes and heading to his room. Of course, the cop followed him, as he awkwardly went about his business. It took Bellamy all of fifteen minutes to get the essentials packed. 

“I, uh- I have to use the bathroom,” he said, stammering, “Is that okay?” 

“Of course, I’ll be here,” the man said, sitting down on his bed and reading a comic book that Bellamy was sure would be considered contraband. 

Since the cop was being complacent, Bellamy figured he’d run downstairs quick and grab his copy of the Iliad that Clarke had got him for Christmas. When he walked into the make-shift library, his heart stopped. She was there, reading his book and looking impossibly sad. As soon as Bellamy entered the room though, her breath hitched and her eyes went wide at the sight of just his boots. Slowly, as if in disbelief, Clarke’s eyes followed his form up his body and then she looked at his face. 

Fuck. She was so beautiful. 

And so sad- she was already crying. 

Carefully, Bellamy put his finger to his lips and pointed upward, while mouthing, “there’s a cop,” before he slowly closed the door. Slowly, Bellamy walked over to Clarke and lowered himself to his knees. He could feel heat erupting on under his skin, and tears forming in his eyes. Mirroring his movements, Clarke put his book down and got up on her knees. 

At this point Bellamy was too afraid to touch her, to tempt fate. As if sensing his hesitation, Clarke leaned forward first and cupped his cheek lightly, “Bell?” she whispered, “Bell, what’s going on?” 

Unable to respond, Bellamy felt himself breaking in two. Shit. There wasn’t time for this... the cop would probably come down there any moment, and Bellamy could not get caught with Clarke- If he did, he was off to prison with a stain on his record for the rest of his life. 

“I-I have to go,” Bellamy said, pulling back wiping his eyes. 

“Bell, wait...” as he started to pull away, Clarke grabbed his forearm and pressed his book into his free hand. Staring down at her smaller hand on his arm, Bellamy was overcome by all of the emotions he had felt and held in since his arrest. Dropping the book, he took her face in his hands and kissed her instead. Clarke’s response was immediate- she opened up to him and tried to pull him impossibly close. 

They kissed until Bellamy heard the sound of a door slamming upstairs. Chest heaving, he pulled away and stared at Clarke who had her eyes closed, with tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked so fucking beautiful, he couldn’t stand it. 

“I have to go,” he whispered, kissing her once more, “I love you, Clarke. Don't follow me upstairs. Otherwise, I’ll be in trouble.” 

Before he could pull away, her arms flew around his neck and she buried her face in the crook of it, _“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...”_ she begged, as Bellamy shushed her and assured her that this wasn’t her fault. 

Feeling lost, he rubbed her back while she clung to him, “I love you, Bell,” she murmured into his skin, before planting a kiss there, “you come back to me, okay?” 

Holding her close, he tried to memorize the feel of her, her scent, the way her breath made her chest rise and fall. There was no use trying to look at her again, instead, he grabbed his book and slid out of her grasp, “goodbye, Princess,” he almost groaned, turning around and slowly slipping out of the room.

Wiping his eyes one more time, Bellamy tried to look as innocent as possible as he went back upstairs and left his childhood home for, what he thought was the last time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from "For what its worth" by Stephen Stills, Performed by Buffalo Springfield.


	13. i'm still living with your ghost...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see glimpse of Bellamy's time at Mt. Weather. 
> 
> See end of ch. For warnings if attempted suicide is triggering topic.

As soon as Bellamy was settled into his room at Mount Weather Rehabilitation Center, he was given the grand tour. He had one week until his procedure was to be performed. Until then, he had to attend counseling sessions and do the “inner work” that he needed to do in order to prepare himself to have his mark removed. 

The entire time, he felt dirty and wrong. He didn’t know if Clarke knew, or if this was going to blindside her. But there wasn’t much he could do now. So, he just hoped that she would be okay. On his third day there, he sat in the cafeteria, picking at his noodles, and trying not to wonder what Clarke was doing. If she was okay if she was still falling apart. 

“Hey spoilsport,” an optimistic-sounding female voice came from his left, “you look absolutely tragic.” 

“Fuck you, too,” Bellamy mumbled, pushing his food around some more, trying to ignore the newcomer. 

“Oh, c’mon, you think you’re the only miserable ass here?” the girl said, leaning over and snagging the brownie from Bellamy’s tray, “I’m Josephine, by the way. You can call me Jo if you want.” 

“What I _want,_ is for you to-” Bellamy was going to tell her to leave him alone, but as he turned to his left and looked at the girl, he was strangely reminded of Clarke. Their body types were different, yes. This girl was a little thinner. But she was blonde and wore her hair the same way, and Bellamy couldn’t help but rescind his anger, “I’m Bellamy.” 

“That’s more like it,” Josephine said, with a satisfied smile, “I swear all you boys, you take comfort in a pretty girl.” 

“Whatever,” Bellamy mumbled, going back to ignoring the girl. If he had to guess she was his age, maybe a year younger. 

“So, wanna hear something _really _fucked up?” she asked in a way that suggested she wasn’t going to wait for an answer. 

“What?” Bellamy bit. 

“My soulmate’s my Dad,” she offered, sounding unimpressed, “he sent me here because he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me. My mark returned twice. So, I practically live here.” 

“Fuck,” Bellamy breathed turning to the girl again, he had to admit she seemed slightly joker-ish. The cheery sort of unhinged that made you second guess yourself and believe that the person in front of you had the best intentions, “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Jo said, taking a sip of her milk, “I love my Daddy.” 

Then, she winked at Bellamy, and he was sure his disgust was apparent to everyone around him. 

“Don’t listen to her,” another voice came from across the table. As Bellamy looked over, another girl sat in front of him. She seemed stoic, grounded. She was tall, with long dark hair, and almost warrior-like features, “Jo means well... her soulmate isn’t her Dad though- he's a geneticist that her Dad works with. He’s twenty-nine, and Jo just turned seventeen.” 

“Oh,” Bellamy nodded, “So she’s...” 

“Fuckin’ crazy? Yeah,” the somewhat rational woman said, “I’m Echo, by the way.” 

As she offered her hand, Bellamy accepted and actually forgot about his own problems for a half an hour while they talked. 

* * *

“Today, we're going to write letters to our soulmates. Take this moment to get everything off your chest- say you're sorry, yell at them, thank them. Whatever it is you need to do, write it. No one else will read these, I assure you.” 

As Dr. Wallace sat at his desk, Echo leaned over and tapped Bellamy on the shoulder, “so, who’s your soulmate?” she asked as if it weren’t the one question every person avoided here. 

Turning, Bellamy leveled with her, “Who’s yours?” 

Echo leaned back and folded her arms, “My cousin, his name was Roan.” 

As her words registered, Bellamy nodded, “Was?” 

“Yeah,” Echo said, looking away for a minute, “We were going to run away together... he uh, needed new breaks. It was raining.” 

“I’m sorry,” Bellamy offered, unsure of what to say. That sucked. Bellamy didn’t think he could survive something like that happening to Clarke, no way, “Mine... is my sister.” 

Echo made a slight face but nodded. 

“No, it’s not like that,” Bellamy said, trying to catch her before she stopped listening, “she’s adopted.” 

Echo looked down at her letter- which was blank, “I don’t know what I’d say to him if I could see him again,” she admitted. 

“If I could see her again,” Bellamy said, his thoughts far away, “I wouldn’t have to say anything.” 

No, he wouldn’t. If Bellamy saw Clarke again, he’d either spend the entire time they had together making love to her, or he’d turn around, walk the other way and never look back. Maybe getting his mark removed would make him do the latter. 

After they wrote their letters, Dr. Wallace took all of the patients outside and they lit their letters on fire and burned them up, one by one. Then they sat in a circle and each of them set a goal for themselves. Jo’s was to try to stay grounded in reality. Echo’s was to forgive herself (Wallace made that one for her because Echo refused to make a goal). Bellamy’s was to remember but to move forward. To make a life that his soulmate would have been proud of- had they been able to be together. 

During the day, the patients all wore variants of black, white, and grey sweaters, long pants and t-shirts. Everything was simple and safe. No belts, no strings- just in case. At night, Bellamy had a white pair of shorts, and tank top he could wear. His room had all-white walls and no windows. It was meant to prevent any suicide attempts. 

At first, Bellamy found it unnerving. Everything seemed so sterile, so formulated. But later, as he began to feel the effects of the drugs they were giving him, Bellamy was thankful for the simplicity. It allowed him to be at peace, well as much as he could be. 

He had no idea what it was that they were giving him, but for days he got sick and couldn’t eat. As he laid in bed, another attack overcame him. Bellamy felt a strange sensation as if his head was being stuffed with cotton, and his mind went blank. Unable to focus, to remember anything, he began to panic. As he got up, his legs gave out, and he fell to the floor. 

In an instant, Bellamy was outside of his body, watching himself thrash about on the floor. Feeling confused, he tried to look around to yell for someone, but it seemed that no one could hear him. Luckily, his body was kicking the metal frame, and staff heard. First the nurse rushed in. After his body went limp, Bellamy watched her check his pulse and then shake her head.

His ears rang, as the staff tripped an alarm on the wall. Moments later Dr. Tsing was rushing in with a syringe and electric paddles. 

Bellamy turned around, unable to watch as they tried to help him. For one blissful moment, he felt completely unfettered. Opening his eyes, he was surprised to see a familiar face looking back at him- it was Clarke. She was dressed in her pajamas, a look of panic coming across her face, “I- I didn’t mean to...” she said, looking down at the floor. 

“What?” Bellamy asked, walking toward her, _"Clarke, are you..." _

“I took the pills... I didn’t know it would hurt you, too,” she pleaded, reaching for him, “Bellamy, I’m so sorry!” 

She seemed so close, but just barely too far away. 

Bellamy shook his head. There was no way this could be real. But the way her eyes widened in fear and the way she bit her lip told him otherwise. 

Grabbing her hand, Bellamy sought her gaze in earnest, “Clarke, listen to me, you have to back.” 

“I can’t,” she said, her eyes filling with grief as she shook her head, “I can't do this without you, Bell...” 

“Clarke you have to! Please, I need you to live!” 

Bellamy vaguely heard someone yelling, “Clear,” and he felt himself being pulled back to his body. 

“Please, Clarke!” he yelled once more, “You're stronger than you know... you're a fighter, and I need you to go back and fight!” 

The next thing he knew, Bellamy was awake and coughing- and yelling for Dr. Tsing to call his mom and to tell her that Clarke took some pills- that she was in her pajamas, dying. He knew he sounded hysterical, but they had to listen- they had to. 

With a nod, Dr. Tsing left the room. After about an hour she came back, “Look, I know I'm not supposed to say anything to you about her... but Clarke Blake is in intensive care at Arkadia Memorial," Dr. Tsing confirmed, "you were right, she took a whole bottle of anti-depressants."

"Will she be okay?" Bellamy asked, his own head pounding and his eyes getting heavy.

"I can't say anything else... you need to rest, and you’ve done all you could. Hell, you saved her life,” Tsing said, Checking Bellamy's pulse and the rest of his vitals quickly, "I'm going to have a nurse stay with you. Please, try to rest."

Completely and utterly exhausted, Bellamy fell back onto his pillow and entered a dreamless sleep. 

It wasn’t until the next morning that he woke up and noticed that his soul mark was gone. His skin was left blank- as if nothing had ever been there before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we see how much Bellamy and Clarke affect one another. When Clarke tries to commit suicide, Bellamy almost dies too. He sees her and tries to get her to go back- to live. He succeeds, but won't know more until much later. 
> 
> Also, Josephine is just creepy af. and Echo is Bellamy's friend. If they do date, it will not be a focus, and it wont add any drama. By the time Clarke comes back into the picture, it'll be in hindsight.
> 
> Title from Everclear, Santa Monica


	14. fly away on my zephyr...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a reunion of a sort.

Over the next year, Bellamy tried to rebuild his life. He tried to learn to live without a part of himself. At first, it was hard- so hard. It wasn’t so much that he couldn’t stop thinking of Clarke, no. It was that he couldn't stop grieving over her. It truly felt like a part of him died when he did. 

Being brought back as less than wasn’t all bad. After the pain began to fade, he started to make plans for his life. He knew he couldn’t go back home, not while Clarke was under eighteen. Beyond that reason, he couldn't go back because he was a risk for her. What if he triggered another suicide attempt? What if this time she succeeded? He’d never forgive himself. 

So, Bellamy, Jo, Echo, and their friend Ryker (who's soul mate was his mother) made plans to move out to Colorado and get a place together. Bellamy and Ryker both got jobs in the service industry, Bellamy as a bartender, and Ryker as a waiter in a fancy restaurant. 

Echo worked for an afterschool program, and Josie skated by on her dad’s dollar and disability checks (due to her mental illness, apparently). Things were actually going really well for the most part- and Bellamy felt content for the first time in a long time. After two years of being in Colorado, Bellamy felt a sudden pang of longing. He wasn’t even sure if it was for Clarke exactly. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. 

Instead of dwelling on it for too long, he kissed Echo. 

Their relationship lasted about two years. It was fun at first and Bellamy couldn’t say he regretted it. But there was so much about her past that she wouldn’t even tell him- he had to find out her real name from Ryker, and well, it just seemed like he should be in a relationship based on honesty, not on hiding the past. 

Breaking up with Echo though meant moving out. Luckily for Bellamy, Sal (the owner of the bar he worked at) was trying to retire. So, he and Bellamy struck up a deal that allowed him to move into the apartment just above the bar, and he would basically work toward owning it. 

The day the business was signed over to him, he changed the name from “The Red Rose Tavern” to “The Black Rose Tavern”. When people questioned him, he said that it was symbolic. 

Echo and Jo called it a “bat signal”. 

He didn’t take the teasing too seriously. After all, he hardly thought of Clarke. And by now, he hadn’t seen her in almost six years- she had to have moved on with her life by now, right? 

Things didn’t get bad again until Gabe came back into Josephine’s life. It was strange to see the change that came over her when they started dating again. Suddenly, she was a functional human being- and instead of feeling like she was this weight they had all been tasked with, she was her own person. She was happy, and well, Bellamy started to actually like her as a person. Even if she was a bit crazy and had some strange ideas. 

Luckily, Gabriel Santiago was the epitome of sane. He was smart and balanced out Josephine perfectly. When he started coming by the bar to drink without her, they became fast friends. Eventually, Bellamy asked him how he felt about being with Jo again. 

“Well, when it's right it's right,” he said, staring at the bourbon in his glass, “Josephine and I, for a while, we were like ships in the night. Always passing, but never able to find the same lighthouse. We never seemed to make it ashore until now... She’s not necessarily the person I’d have picked for myself, but she is perfect for me- for this lifetime, anyway.” 

“Well, you’re lucky,” Bellamy said, “at least age was your only issue. With time, that can change.” 

“What was yours?” He asked, his curiosity piqued. 

“That’s a road I don’t go down, Gabe,” Bellamy said with a smile. Over the years he’d learned to be gracious about avoiding talking about Clarke. He probably hadn’t even said her name in five years, “but thanks for asking.” 

“Yeah, well, I hope you get a second chance,” Gabriel said before grabbing his wallet and throwing twenty bucks down onto the bar, “Keep the change, Bellamy.” 

For a while, things were the same. Day in and day out, like a cycle repeating its self. Bellamy got up early, made breakfast, worked in the bar until close (unless it was Ryker working, who he trusted to close the place), then he would go upstairs and get ready for bed. 

Eventually, Josephine and Gabriel forced a puppy onto Bellamy. It was that or an online dating profile... So, he had no choice. Much to his chagrin, Josphine had already named the puppy “Kitty”. After a week, Bellamy started calling him “Kit”, because it got embarrassing running after a golden retriever in the park while yelling, “Kitty! Com’ere Kitty!” Of course, Gabriel and Jo found it hysterical when they’d all go out for a run together.

And well, Bellamy guessed that was sort of the point, right? 

It was during one such run that Kit got away and Bellamy found himself running after the canine. At first, he thought that the dog had just stopped by the water fountain, it took him a minute to realize that someone was helping him drink out of the faucet. 

“What’s your name, puppy?” the blonde woman asked in a voice that sounded like a smile, “We gotta get you back to your mommy or daddy... _ Kitty? _” 

Bellamy just stared at Clarke as she giggled at the name while petting Kit. There was no way that Bellamy was getting out of this. From a distance, he saw Clarke dial the number on the tag. Preparing himself for anything, Bellamy jogged over and said hi. 

“Oh, is this your-” Bellamy watched as Clarke’s eyes went wide, and she stopped speaking entirely. After a minute, Kit let out a little whine and tried to nudge Clarke’s hand into giving him more water. 

“Thanks for finding Kit,” Bellamy said because what else was he supposed to say? 

“Yeah,” Clarke breathed, looking as if she might just cry. Neither one of them moved, as they stared at one another. Clarke looked beautiful as ever- her hair was up in a messy bun, and she was wearing a loose tank and some spandex running shorts. Bellamy had to look away after a minute- her gaze was too much. He didn’t deserve to look her straight in the face, not after what he did. 

“I, uh,” Clarke stammered, as someone else walked up to the water fountain and asked the two of them to step aside with their dog. 

“Oh, I’m not. We’re not,” Clarke stammered. Handing the leash back to Bellamy, she nearly whined, “I have to go.” 

Without another word, she was sprinting the other way. Bellamy watched as she turned around briefly, only to shake her head, and take off again.

"Who was that?" Gabe asked as he and Jo caught up.

"That was my second chance," Bellamy murmured, watching Clarke run out of his life- as he tried not to think about the way he had run out of hers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from Zephyr by Red Hot Chili Peppers


	15. Home is when I'm alone with you...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Bellamy have a long talk...

Bellamy was going insane. 

It seemed that after the park, he saw a flash of blonde rounding every corner. Every blonde woman with a messy bun was Clarke, and he didn’t know if he should run to her, or away from her. 

As it turned out, it was never her. 

The revelation always made his chest ache. 

For years, Bellamy told himself that he was doing fine, that he didn't need anything. But the truth was that he missed Clarke. More than anything, he missed her friendship. She had a way of getting through to him that no one else had. and now, it seemed like he would never get that back. Even though they were in the same city.

That made him wonder how long she had been in the same city. According to Kane, soul mates were drawn together- even in the same city they find themselves drawn to the same areas of town... 

But they weren’t soulmates, no not anymore. 

And that was his choice, not hers. So many things he had done to her had been a product of his choices. And, as he learned in rehab, Clarke was the younger one- she didn’t know what she was agreeing to. Wallace had talked about how it had been his responsibility to protect her, and he had failed. 

Instead, he had violated her, repeatedly. And for that, he wished he could atone. 

“Hey, Bellamy, there’s someone here to see you?” Ryker said, popping his head into the office. 

“Okay, be there in just a minute,” Bellamy said, organizing his papers. 

Making his way out to the bar, Bellamy was almost knocked on his back. In the middle of an empty bar, stood Clarke. She had her hair down- it was long and just as gold as he remembered. Dressed in a blue sundress, she wore a sweet smile. 

“Hey,” she said, clasping her hands in front of herself nervously, “I was hoping we could talk?” 

“Yeah. Definitely,” he said, still in disbelief, “Um, do you want a drink? Can you drink?” 

“I turn twenty-one in two months,” she said softly, “But if its rum, I’ll have some.” 

_ Rum. _

That’s what they were drinking the night he told her about the marks. 

“Well, I suppose if we don’t tell anyone?” he offered, unable to hold back a grin. 

Grabbing two glasses and the best rum in the place, Bellamy guided Clarke out into a small beer garden. 

“Oh, wow,” she smiled, “you can't see this from the front.” 

“Yup, it used to be ridiculously overgrown, but I got it tamed,” he said, pouring two glasses, and sitting down. With a small smile, Clarke followed suit. 

“Um, I wanted to apologize for running off the other day... I was surprised, to say the least.” 

“No need to apologize, I think we were both blindsided, and I imagine it was quite triggering for you,” Bellamy said, preparing the speech he had recited in his head for years. The speech where he asked for forgiveness- for absolution.

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, it has to be traumatic to see the person who- who _ hurt you _, after so long.” 

For a moment, Clarke eyed him and then took a sip of her drink, “It was tough seeing you... I was hurt when you didn’t even try to contact me after I turned eighteen,” she said. 

Bellamy looked at Clarke for a long minute- how was she okay? Bellamy had spent years asking whatever gods may be for forgiveness for what he did to her- and she was acting like he didn’t do anything. 

“Clarke, I know what I did, you don’t have to pretend it wasn’t that bad,” he said, “I mean, maybe you’re in denial, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, that I broke your trust, that I violated you.” 

At that, Clarke flinched, “What? You don’t actually believe that, do you?” 

“Of course, I do. It took me a long time to come to terms with how I hurt you... but I was the older one of us, I should have protected you. Instead, I was selfish, and I’m sorry.” 

“Well, I don’t forgive you,” Clarke said, downing her rum and pouring another. The pair were silent for a few moments, as Bellamy digested her refusal. He knew this could happen- he had hoped it wouldn’t, but she had every right to hate him until the end of time if she wanted to. 

“I don’t forgive you, because there is nothing to forgive there, Bellamy. We were in love- and I think that would have been the case, even if soul marks didn't exist. I don't think there was anything wrong with what we had.” 

_“Clarke-”_ he was ready to put up a fight, but she stopped him. 

“No, Bell,” she said, putting her hand up, “You were a victim. I was a victim. _ We were victims _ of circumstance- and bad decisions on the part of a lot of adults. Nothing more, nothing less.” 

“I don’t think you understand-” 

“But I do! I've received more therapy than kidnap victims do. I’ve thought about this a lot, Bellamy. I’m not a victim. In fact, I even told my fiance that my trauma was from the adults in our lives and not you.” 

“You-you're engaged?” Bellamy asked, his heart stuttering in his chest. 

“I was,” Clarke said, thumbing her ring finger, which had a sliver of a lighter skin tone- she must have been wearing a ring recently, “but, she and I started having a lot of issues after I wanted to dig deeper into the psychology of patients with soul connections, soul marks, and soulmates- it's going to be my eventual focus for school. Anyway, There were unhealthy behaviors on both our parts- it didn't work out.” 

Bellamy couldn't speak, Clarke seemed so sure of herself- it was an amazing thing to watch.

“Look, things haven't been easy, but I’m certain that you didn’t hurt me that way.” 

Bellamy had to take that in for a minute, “So, you don’t think I took advantage of you?” 

“No,” Clarke said softly, “I think you abandoned me, but I know why you did it. After I spent a summer interning at Mount Weather, I understood. I mean, I sat in on their sessions... If you went through the same workshops as actual sex offenders did, you know the ones that were in their thirties and forties with alleged “soulmates” that were even younger than me, then you were bound to be confused. Our situation is different, Bellamy, I promise you. Mt. Weather’s crappy support groups did a shoddy job at making the difference clear to non-abusive patients, it wasn't fair to you.” 

“That's a lot to unpack,” Bellamy said, in a daze. 

“Yeah, I know- but it’s the truth.” 

Licking his lip, Bellamy knew there _was_ something he needed to apologize for, “I am sorry I never came back. I should have reached out or something. But you know why I couldn’t come back, right?” 

“That, I do forgive you for,” Clarke said, leaning forward to squeeze his hand. Immediately, sparks flew up the length of his spine at the touch- Clarke merely swallowed and pulled away, “the, uh, court order, yeah, I know.” 

He shook his head, “not just that. After you took those pills, I had to give you the chance to live your life. The soul marks were gone, I figured you could move on, you had such a bright future ahead of you. I’m glad you moved on and found love and went to school. I couldn’t handle being the reason why you wanted to die, Clarke. And I was afraid that if I came home and left again, that I would be the reason you did.” 

That seemed to get her attention, “You weren’t the reason why I gave up, Bellamy,” she said, tearing up, “you were the reason why I lived- why can’t you see that?” 

As his throat tightened, Bellamy had to look away. He knew he was dangerously close to breaking down, and that wouldn’t be fair to Clarke. As he stared at some bushes, Clarke moved to catch his attention. Her watery blue eyes seemed to pull him back, “Look, Bell, you pushed me to live, and I did. You saved me. And I am so sorry for the lies that you have been made to believe about yourself- but you are not a monster, the person I knew- the person I loved. was good. and I don't think you've changed that much.” 

“So, I’m a good man, who abandoned you?” 

“Hey, after I got emancipated, I went to live with Abby and Kane. It’s not like you would have really known where to look. I didn’t even tell Octavia. Only Aurora knew.” 

“Wait, emancipated?” 

“After I tried to kill myself,” Clarke said it like it was just a factoid- even as Bellamy flinched, “and yes, let’s call it what it was, okay? Anyway, after that, Abby offered to pay for my medical expenses- and they were enormous. I had to have my stomach pumped, I was on anti-seizure meds for a while, I had to have minor stomach surgery and there were years of therapy- it was a lot. If I hadn’t of emancipated, your mom would have been in so much debt. And Abby could pay for it- so, I let her. I guess it was the least she could do, after actually abandoning me.” 

“Shit, you went through all of that alone?” Immediately, Bellamy itched to hold her hand. If he had known... He would have done things differently- or at least he thinks he would have. 

“No, I had Abby. Marcus was amazing. O and I started talking again after I graduated high school. I talk to Aurora sometimes, although that’s never been the same. I think we broke her heart,” Clarke said, wiping away her tears, “I mean, having her son move away and then losing a daughter- that was hard for her.” 

"Losing a daughter?” Bellamy asked, a bit panicked, "did something happen to O?" 

“No! No... When I emancipated, Bellamy, I legally disowned the family. I'm not your sibling, I'm not her daughter. No matter how many times I try to explain that what I did was for the best, she doesn’t believe it,” Clarke shook her head slowly, “I think that seeing you would help a lot- you have a lot of people you need to apologize to Bellamy. but there are a lot of people who owe you an apology, too.” 

“Fuck,” he said sinking back in his chair, Clarke always knew how to lay on the truth, “I don’t even know where to begin.” 

“Well, how about you start here?” Clarke asked, holding his hand lightly, “just talk to me, Bell.” 

Bellamy nodded, this was the best place to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Home" by Ed Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeroes. 
> 
> Fun Fact: this song came on as I was finishing up the chapter... and I think it was perfect.


	16. well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Bellamy grow closer over the weeks and months... Clarke gets drunk and shows her vulnerable side.

Bellamy couldn’t say how long he and Clarke sat out in the beer garden. By the end of the afternoon, they had shed tears, laughed together, and listened to one another. Bellamy felt lighter than he had in years, and in the end, they exchanged cellphone numbers. 

The next day, he got a little message from her. She was checking in on him and wanted him to know that she had a good time talking and reconnecting. Careful not to take advantage of her kindness, Bellamy kept their text conversations light and didn’t really call her to talk. The next time he saw her, she was sitting at his bar, waiting for him to notice her. 

“What are you doing here?” Bellamy asked, unable to stifle a wide smile. He did want to see her, he just didn’t want to overwhelm her. 

“I don’t know. I wanted to see you, I guess?” she said, blushing a little bit. With a small laugh, Bellamy nodded and offered her dinner on the house. Eventually, they were absorbed in one of their conversations, this time it was light and fun, and Clarke’s blue eyes danced with mirth. 

Frankly, it took Bellamy’s breath away. 

“Sorry to change the subject, but I saw this support group I thought you might like. I can come to the first session if you want,” she offered, pulling out a business card, “I know how awkward these things can be... but anyway, the group is collectively working through similar traumatic experiences, and well, I thought it might help you.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I used to go to it, the leader is solid. It’s a good group,” Clarke said. Bellamy wanted to ask her why she was so keen on helping him, but before he could, she changed the subject. 

“So, Octavia is coming to town,” she said, surveying his reaction, “this weekend. Do you want to see her?” 

“Is my mom coming?” Bellamy asked, his throat going dry at the thought. He missed his family like crazy, but he didn’t know if he could face Aurora Blake any time soon. 

“Well, they don’t know that I’m in contact with you. If I told her, she probably would,” Clarke admitted, “but are you ready for that?” 

“I don’t know, I’m not even sure I’m ready to see O, honestly.” 

“That’s okay,” Clarke reassured him with a smile, “there’s no rush, Bellamy.” 

Weeks and months went by. Group therapy went well, and Bellamy also started private sessions with a Dr. Cillian, too. Bellamy really was trying to unlearn the bad habits he had acquired from years of psychological mishandling. As a person, he felt he had grown more in a few short months than he had in six long years. 

Other changes took place, Clarke became a regular fixture at the bar- occasionally, she even helped out. Bellamy loved having her around, and the more time they spent together, the more he felt at home. On her twenty-first Bellamy gave Clarke a large bottle of the same rum they had the day they reconnected, and he gave her a gift card for the local art supply store- in case that was still her thing. 

For the first time since they had started talking again, Clarke hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Bellamy fell asleep that night with his fingers lingering on that same spot, as he tried to commit to memory the moment they had shared. 

When football season started, Clarke came to work in a Green Bay Packers jersey. As she made her way behind the bar, she threw another one at Bellamy, “put it on, Blake,” she said, smiling, “let’s see your true colors.” Of course, the customers gave them hell for it, but it was adorable to see her banter back and forth with the regulars. 

For a while, there seemed to be an unspoken agreement that neither of them went to the other’s apartment. Of course, Bellamy lived right upstairs and Clarke was more than welcome to crash there whenever she wanted, but he never wanted to presume anything, so he told her that if she ever drank too much or was too tired, she could crash with him, and that was that. 

Such a night didn’t come around until New Years' Eve. When Clarke did, in fact, get wasted. 

Bellamy kinda blamed himself for it, he should have been keeping a closer eye on her. Josephine wasn’t any help either, constantly doing shots with Clarke- with no regard for her lower tolerance. 

By the time midnight was approaching a very, very drunk Clarke was behind the bar with her arms around Bellamy’s waist. 

“What are you doing, Clarke?” Bellamy asked playfully when she placed a kiss on the underside of his jaw and batted her eyelashes at him. 

“Mhmm... I don’t know,” Smiling wide, she got up on her tiptoes and whispered, “I miss you, Bell.” 

Adjusting his posture, Bellamy put his hands on her waist and took a long look at her. The way she was looking at him and touching his chest- she was definitely flirting with him. Swallowing thickly, he reassured her, “I’m right here, Princess,” The endearment slipped out, along with the concern that was evident in his voice. 

After the ball dropped, and Clarke gave Bellamy a near-kiss on the lips, and he decided that there was no way she was going anywhere tonight- the girl was wasted. 

“You, know I was going to get married tonight,” Clarke giggled, as Bellamy turned on the light to the apartment, and then spying Kit, she got excited, “Oh, kitty!” 

“So that’s it?” Bellamy asked, taking his jacket off, “that’s why you went on a bender? A broken heart?” 

“Nooooo,” Clarke shook her head and collapsed on the couch, “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to get drunk.” 

“It’s okay, it happens in bars sometimes,” Bellamy joked, as he kneeled down to take off Clarke’s shoes. Even though she was drunk, Clarke still tracked his movements carefully, “what’s up, princess?” Clarke grinned as the endearment slid off his tongue easily. 

“I don’t know, I’m just thinking that it's unfair that you got even more attractive as you got older,” Clarke tossed it out there like it was nothing. 

Bellamy let out a little laugh, and took off Clarke’s other shoe, “Well, you did, too- so don’t be too jealous.” 

“Really?” Clarke asked, smoothing her free foot over his thigh, “do you think I’m pretty, Bell?” 

On his knees now, Bellamy moved forward and cupped her cheeks, “Clarke, I think you’re fucking gorgeous,” he said, as heat rose in his cheeks. Unable to hold her intense gaze, he gave her a kiss on the forehead. 

“Do you still love me?” her voice seemed to trail off a bit, completely vulnerable for the first time since they ran into one another at that park, “because, I’m afraid that how I feel, it won’t ever stop.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I should feel lucky, Bell. I got my wish. But it ruined everything,” she said, her emotions taking a sudden downhill turn, “remember how I wished you weren’t my brother, so you could be my soulmate?” 

“Yeah,” he breathed, not sure where she was going with this. 

“Well I got my wish-” she said, her voice cracking, “but now, you’re neither- _ and it hurts. _” 

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said, getting up on the couch and pulling her close, “what happened isn’t your fault. And I’m not going anywhere, Clarke. I’m still your best friend. I’ll always be your friend.” 

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said, mumbling now, “I’m trying so hard to be strong for you- but I- I just have a lot of feelings.” 

“I know,” Bellamy said, stroking her hair, as Clarke seemed to wilt into a bit of an incoherent mess. 

_ Well, _ he thought to himself, _ at least they were starting the New Year with honesty. _

The next morning, Bellamy woke to the sound of the snowplow in the street. Getting off the couch, he started the coffee and took Kit out to pee. By the time he got back, Clarke was awake and pouring herself some coffee. But that’s not what made his breath hitch, no. 

What did make his breath hitch was the image of Clarke, in the middle of his kitchen, wearing nothing but one of his flannel shirts and her underwear. 

_ Fuck. _

She looked good. 

“Hey,” she said, smiling, “Um... did I get-” 

“Drunk?” Bellamy offered, “yeah, you got wasted, Clarke.” 

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled ruefully, her face scrunching up in regret, “I hope I didn’t say anything too embarrassing.” 

“Oh, you know, you just asked me for all sorts of sexual favors.” 

Bellamy watched with a smirk, as Clarke’s jaw dropped, “What? Did I-” 

“I’m kidding,” he said, and with a coy smile, he added, “but you did ask me to have your babies.” 

“Shut up, Bellamy,” Clarke said dryly, walking by him and bumping him playfully with her hip. 

Bellamy followed her lead and grabbed some coffee, too. He thought briefly about what they had actually talked about last night... maybe they should discuss it now? 

But when he made it to the living room, however, he was surprised to see Clarke’s feet up on the couch with her, and the side of her ass on full display, as the flannel rode up a little. Swallowing thickly, Bellamy averted his gaze, “Uh, do you need... or want... some sweatpants or something?” 

“It’s no use,” Clarke said, not looking up from the book she was reading, “I tried a bunch of your stuff, not even your boxers fit. You really packed on some muscle, didn’t you?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Bellamy said, blushing, “but aren’t you cold?” 

“Well, maybe a tiny bit," she shrugged, "But I figured you’d have a blanket or something..."

When Bellamy didn't respond, Clarke set the book down, "look, you've seen my ass before. This shouldn’t be a big deal,” Clarke said, without affect. The statement surprised Bellamy, truthfully. Clarke rarely spoke about their past relationship- and for her to so casually throw that out... maybe she did remember last night? Finally looking up at him, Clarke seemed to realize he was at a loss for words, “Unless- am I making you uncomfortable?” 

“Uncomfortable? No.” 

Well, at least he was being honest- he wasn’t uncomfortable. Nervous as fuck? Yeah... but that wasn’t exactly the same. 

“Well, do you have a blanket?” Clarke asked, innocently, “I’ll cover-up. My dress from last night is just too uncomfortable.” 

With a nod Bellamy grabbed the blankets and arranged them over Clarke, “So, what should we do?” she asked, smiling. 

“We could watch something,” he offered, picking up the remote. 

“But it has to be something funny, okay?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Matchbox Twenty's song, "3 AM"


	17. before we were lovers, I swear we were friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes continue to grow closer, and there is cuddling. 
> 
> Clarke surprises Bellamy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, not the longest chapter... but there are some good day trip feels coming up, I promise! I hope you enjoy!

_ “I don’t need a mark to tell me who knows me best...” _

Having Clarke over, having her close by for an extended period of time had Bellamy thinking about the past. Memories that had long been buried were surfacing, and slicing his heart with a pointed edge. After Bellamy made the two of them breakfast, they watched Drunk History and relaxed while the snow fell outside. With a little smile, Clarke looked up at him and scooted closer. It only took a couple of weeks to relearn the language of her expressions and mannerisms. When she gave him a soft questioning shrug, he knew what she wanted. 

“C’mon,” he offered, raising his arm, and wrapping it around her smaller form as she settled in next to him. Swallowing hard, he tried not to think about how long it had been since he’d had someone to hold like this. Echo wasn’t much of a cuddler- but on occasion, when they did hold one another, she preferred not to be swallowed up. Clarke, however, seemed to relish it. So much so, Bellamy thought he heard her sniff his shirt briefly before she smiled and turned to the tv. 

Of their own volition, Bellamy’s fingers started running themselves through her hair, and he heard the gentle and even breathing of someone who was asleep. Instead of leaving, Bellamy arranged the two of them so that they were lying on the couch together, with Clarke in front of him and his hand arm around her waist. 

Bellamy followed Clarke into a deep sleep. As he stirred, he took note of the fact that it was now night time, her arm was around his waist and her head was buried in his chest. At some point, her legs had entangled with his. The situation was achingly familiar. As her eyes fluttered open, Bellamy felt a swell of affection toward her. 

“Hey,” she said, sleepily, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep...” 

“It’s okay,” Bellamy said, his hold instinctively tightening on her hip, “I think it was a sleepy day for both of us.” 

“Yeah,” she said, smiling. As if testing the waters, Clarke slowly settled back into Bellamy’s embrace, “This is nice.” 

“Yeah,” he said, planting a small kiss on her forehead, “it is.” As they continued to lay there, Bellamy tried to work up the courage to talk about her question... Last night, she had asked if he still loved her... Now, with her so close by, he couldn’t help but wonder if she meant it in a way that wasn’t just platonic. 

“Clarke?” he ventured. 

“Yeah?” 

“Last night, you said... _things_,” at that, Clarke immediately stiffened and Bellamy found himself changing tactics last minute, “I just want you to know that I’m here for you, too. I’ve been careful about how much I contact you because I didn’t want to abuse your kindness. But I didn’t realize that you need someone, too.” 

_ “Bell...” _ Clarke started, her eyes suddenly wet. 

“I mean it, Clarke. This isn’t some passing thing that I’m going to bail on. You’re important to me, and always will be,” swallowing thickly, he continued, “no matter what I am to you... I just want to be in your life, I want to be here for you.” 

Clarke looked at him for a moment, her eyes dropping to his lips and then his chest, “I want that, too,” she whispered. 

Bellamy nodded, his heart stretching warmly as he watched her tuck herself back into his embrace- it was mostly dark in the room, but the streetlamp was casting a perfect amount of warm yellow light on her and as Bellamy felt the urge to kiss her, he fought it. He had her back now- and he couldn't fuck it up by being selfish. Even if they were just friends, that was enough for him. 

He had Clarke back in his life, really and truly. Not just the kind and healed side of her. He now had the raw part that hurts, that cries, the part that is willing to need him, to open up to him. 

He had the real Clarke back, and that was all he really needed. 

A couple of weeks later, Bellamy woke to a loud banging on his door. As Kit whined and barked, Bellamy made his way to the threshold. Opening the door, he was met with quite the surprise. 

“Clarke?” he asked, “What are you doing here? What time is it?” 

“It’s uh, five in the morning,” she said checking her watch, and handing him a to-go cup of coffee, “Caramel latte, just like you enjoy it- fluffy and sweet.” 

“Don’t tell anyone my secret,” he smirked, while she made a zipping motion against her lips and she entered the apartment. Since New Year’s, the pair had talked on the phone every day, and Clarke had come by a few times, just to hang out. Bellamy couldn’t lie, he loved seeing her, no matter the ungodly hour. 

“Well, Happy Birthday!” she said, smirking, “I was hoping we could do something today?” 

Bellamy stilled, “I don’t really celebrate my birthday Clarke...” 

When her smile fell, and her eyes went wide, he knew she understood. 

His birthday was the day it all went to shit. The day he was arrested- the day that set Clarke on a path of destruction. It was the last time they had... been together. An unbidden flash of memory almost knocked Bellamy off of his feet. God that moment before Murphy barged into Miller’s bathroom, it had been one of the most peaceful moments of his life. 

Unless Bellamy was mistaken, Clarke was blushing as she looked away. 

“Well, we’re taking it back!” she said, recovering, “you’ve been working on yourself, and you’ve come so far. Reclaiming today, celebrating yourself again... That’s a good thing, its empowering.” 

“_Or..._ I can just crawl back into bed, and pretend this day doesn’t exist.” 

That was what he usually did if he realized what day it was. 

“No,” Clarke said, determined, “it’s not just a tough day for you. It’s hard for me, too. And I want it to be different now. So, please, have a good day... _for me?_” 

“Anything for you, Princess,” Bellamy said, taking a sip of coffee, “plus, I can’t let the caffeine go to waste.” 

“No, you can’t. That would be tragic, Bell,” she laughed, “Um, pack a bag. And we have to bring Kitty, too. It’s a long drive, and we probably shouldn’t leave him alone.” 

Bellamy smiled as Clarke spoke. This had become a thing lately: _ we, us, our... _

The words filled him with a strange hope that he wasn’t ready to face yet. 

“So where are we going?” 

“You’ll see,” she said, smiling, “I asked Ryker and Gabe to take care of the bar for a few days.” 

As she spoke, she walked back to Bellamy’s room and started packing up clothing. 

_ “Days? Clarke...” _

“C’mon,” she said, opening up his sock drawer, “Do you trust me?” 

“Always,” he confirmed with a contented sigh. 

“Good,” she said, offering him a towel, “now, go get ready.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from, "Lost in the Light" by Bahamas


	18. it's 3 am, I must be lonely...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy reunites with family... and Clarke does more than one surprising thing.

_ “No, no, no...” _ Bellamy protested, shaking his head, “Clarke, there's no way I’m doing this.” 

He was two seconds away from calling a cab to take him to the airport or something. How could Clarke do this? Take him all the way to Wisconsin, just to face his mom and O. This was not the birthday he had expected, “you said we’d have fun on my birthday, this isn’t fun.” 

“We did have fun... and technically your birthday was over an hour ago,” she said, checking her watch. True, they had a great time driving and talking. They stopped at a few tourist spots, took some photos. But waking up from a nap in Arkadia, in front of the last place he wanted to be, this was not what he expected. 

“Bellamy, please?” Clarke begged, her gloved hands clutching the steering wheel of the car, “I can’t do this anymore... I feel like I’m keeping a secret. A few weeks ago, I told O about something funny you did, and I had to tell her that it was my new friend named Bill.” 

_ “Bill?” _

“It was the first name that came to mind!” Clarke yelled, exasperated, “seriously, I feel like I am a party to some betrayal. You need to talk to them.” 

“Clarke,” Bellamy sighed, staring up at his childhood home, “I don’t even know where to start.” 

“Just talk and listen... I think they just want to see you.” 

“How do you know they don’t hate me?” he asked, scratching the rubber that lined the passenger’s side window, “I mean, I ruined everything, Clarke...” 

“I spent Christmas with them.” 

The admission was like a whip cracking in the air- and it was followed by silence before Bellamy turned to look at Clarke. 

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you weren’t ready to hear it. But your mom, she talked so much about you- she talked about how worried she was, that she hoped you were okay,” Clarke paused, swallowing thickly, “I kept you a secret because I didn’t want to betray you. But now, I feel like I’m betraying them.” 

“You know that’s not something I’d ever ask you to do, right?” 

“I know, Bell. It’s just sometimes, you don’t need to ask. I knew you didn’t want me to tell them.” 

Bellamy tried and failed to say something comforting, so instead, he gently peeled Clarke’s hand off the steering wheel and considered her request, “I said that I was here for you- here for the long haul. This is part of that.” 

Immediately, Clarke’s ocean-blue eyes snapped up and met his as a sigh of relief escaped from between her lips, “Thank you, Bellamy.” 

Bellamy nodded, “myybe we should go to a hotel or something? It’s after midnight... and that’s probably too late, even for this.” 

“Actually,” Clarke murmured, as the porch light turned on, “they’re expecting me.” 

At that, Clarke turned to meet his eye, and Bellamy felt his stomach flip. This was it- it had been seven years. And now his mom was standing in the doorway, waving at Clarke’s car. 

“The seventh year,” Clarke whispered, “a time for new beginnings, right?” 

“It’s as good a time as any, I guess,” Bellamy said, leaning forward to kiss Clarke on the forehead, “Just, uh, keep me grounded?” 

Giving him a nod, Clarke got out of the car and waved to Aurora Blake. Taking a deep breath, Bellamy steeled himself and got out, too. Unable to look up at first, he grabbed the bag that Clarke handed him. As he followed her up the walk, he paused, unable to make it to the door. 

Still in the dark, Bellamy looked up to see his mom giving Clarke a tight hug. The scene made his own chest ache- perhaps not all was lost, “who is this?” Aurora asked, “Clarke, did you bring a date?” 

“Well, I-” Clarke seemed at a loss for words, “Um... one sec.” 

Walking back down the path, Clarke smiled reassuringly, and gently took Bellamy’s hand while murmuring, “stay with me, Bell.” 

As he approached, Bellamy watched his mom’s gaze sharpen. His heavy legs somehow carried him to the porch. When he finally reached his mom, Bellamy pulled his hood off and met her eye. 

_ “Oh my god,” _ she exhaled softly, tears immediately filling her eyes, _ “Bellamy...” _

“Hi, mom,” he said, his own tears threatening. Before he could give it much thought, his mom pulled him into a warm embrace and rocked him as she cried about her '_ baby boy' _ coming home. Overcome with emotion, Bellamy held her close and relished the comfort that only his mom could give. 

He hadn’t realized how much he missed her- how much he had needed this. Pulling away, his mom cupped his cheeks and spoke through her tears, “Oh my god, look at you! You’re so grown up... you turned out so handsome, Bell.” 

“Thanks, mom,” he laughed, rolling his eyes, despite feeling a flush of pride at her assessment. 

“Okay, okay,” she said, turning toward the house, “I have hot cocoa and cookies. We can all talk for a bit. Are you hungry? I can make sandwiches if the cookies aren’t enough.” 

“I’m starved,” Clarke said, smirking as she picked up the bags, “Is O awake?” 

Bellamy sat next to Clarke for the rest of the evening, as Octavia and his mom questioned him about the last six years. He told them almost everything... Leaving out a couple of things here and there- he didn’t want to make this more intense than it had to be. Apologies could come tomorrow, after all. 

It was amazing seeing them. Bellamy listened intently to everything O had to say. He couldn't believe how grown up, and pretty she was. She had this fierce intensity to her that, frankly, kind of scared him. 

“Bell’s room is still here, and of course, Clarke, yours is, too. Then there is the guest room since O has the whole downstairs. You two feel free to decide what you want,” Aurora ventured, when Clarke couldn’t hold in any of her yawns. 

“Thanks, mom,” Bellamy said, standing up and giving her another hug goodnight. 

“O?” he offered, and she hugged him tightly. 

“After I’m done with work tomorrow, let’s have time, just us?” Octavia asked, her eyes wide and hopeful. 

“Of course, little sister,” Bellamy said, ruffling her hair. It had been a long time since he had been playful with O. But, oddly enough, it felt right. 

“and you!” O said, rounding on Clarke, “you have some explaining to do- which will be done over a girl’s night, tomorrow night, okay?” 

“Okay, fine,” Clarke laughed, hugging O as well. 

After taking Kit out, Bellamy got ready for bed and settled into his old room. It felt strange being under the same ceiling- in the same full bed that he and Clarke had so many their own firsts in. Trying not to think about it, Bellamy turned onto his side and willed himself to sleep. 

Eventually, the door creaked open, waking Bellamy from his tentative slumber. Before long, Clarke slipped under the covers, lying close to him, pulling his arm over her waist. Without a word, she leaned over and brushed her fingers over his cheek, her thumb grazing his lips. 

“Clarke?” Bellamy asked, unsure of what she was about to do. Without a word, she leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips. Much to his surprise, Clarke didn’t pull away. Instead, she continued to kiss him- over and over again, until they both were giving each other open-mouthed kisses. Caught up in the moment, Bellamy let his hands venture up and down her back, feeling her soft skin beneath his fingertips. 

Straddling his hips, Clarke worked herself against him. Pulling her shirt off- she revealed her soft, full, and _very_ naked breasts. As Bellamy stared at her, he couldn’t believe this was really happening. Still smiling, Clarke grabbed his hands and placed them on her tits, encouraging him to give her a gentle squeeze. 

The groan Bellamy heard sounded foreign- but nonetheless, it came from him. As he worked her breasts, Clarke dragged her hips over his, making his cock swell with hot desire for her. As she lifted up to pull him out of his pants, Bellamy wanted to ask her if she was sure.

Instead, he sensed himself being pulled from the moment and opened his eyes- to find Clarke lying in bed next to him, an amused expression her face. 

“You were moaning,” she said, a hint of a laugh in her voice. 

“Fuck, I'm sorry,” Bellamy said, breath ragged, “I was... dreaming.” 

“What were you dreaming about?” she giggled a little too happily, "because I thought I heard you say my name..." 

“It's not funny,” Bellamy said, suddenly very aware of his full erection, “it was just an intense dream." 

“Oh, really? What sort of _intense dream_ was this?” Clarke asked, raising her eyebrow. When he didn't answer, she lifted up his blanket to see. If Bellamy wasn’t mistaken, he saw her lick her lips, “I can help, if you want.” 

Every fiber of Bellamy's being wanted to scream, _'fuck yes!'_ But instead, Bellamy thought about the trust they were building, the respect he had for her. This was not the way to reintroduce physical intimacy between the two of them- if there even _was_ a way to do that. 

“That’s, uh, probably not a good idea, Clarke,” he said, lowering the blanket, "Thank you, though."

For a moment, she looked as though she'd been slapped.

“Oh, um... yeah,” she stammered, clearly embarrassed, "you’re right. That was stupid, sorry."

Bellamy studied her profile as she turned away from him and sniffled a little.

"Clarke, I-" he started, ready to talk this out. He couldn't bear the thought of her thinking he didn't _want_ her. 

Instead, she cut him off, "I- I'm gonna go. Night, Bell.” 

Before he could say anything, Clarke was gone, and Bellamy was left alone- entirely at a loss for words. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from 3 am, by Matchbox 20


	19. I have only two emotions, careful fear and dead devotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of heart to hearts, and a big turn around for our heroes.

Bellamy woke the next morning feeling overwhelmed and confused. His immediate instinct was to find Clarke and talk things out... As of late, they had been simultaneously great and terrible at communication. 

Did she know he was sorry for how he hurt her? _Yes._

Did she know that he never wanted to hurt her like that again? _Absolutely._

Did she have any idea that every morning when he woke up without her by his side caused him physical pain? But that he considered it worth it, just to have her in his life?  _Probably not. _

Even more so, was it possible that she felt the same way?

Bellamy couldn't even start to chip away at that. 

“Wake up, butt munch! I made you coffee,” Octavia’s familiar voice broke through the silence, and Bellamy let out a groan. He had one day with his sister and mom, and as much as he wanted to make things right with Clarke, they had to be the focus, right?

“Alright, O,” he groaned, “I’m getting up.”

“You better, before I find our old Super Soakers,” she threatened, “you know damn well Clarke will help me give you a rude awakening.” 

The mental image of two of the most important people in his life attacking him with water guns gave him a warm feeling that he couldn’t quite place. 

Comfort? Maybe. 

Belonging? Yeah. 

He spent a good hour drinking coffee and talking to O, who had to go in for a few meetings and then was coming home, “So, I’m thinking we can try the new bistro downtown... then we can go shopping for an apology gift for Clarke.” 

At that, Bellamy choked a little on his coffee, “an apology gift? Why would I need that?”

“God, either you’re dense, or you think I am,” Octavia sighed, “I knocked on the bathroom door last night and she quote said, ‘Bell, it doesn’t matter- I'm over it, go away’.” 

Bellamy let out a defeated groan, “was she crying? Please tell me she wasn’t?”

“Sounded like it. I don’t know how you already fucked up your relationship with her, but you’ve got some apologizing to do.” 

“I don’t think you realize... it’s not like  that, Octavia.” 

“Not like what? Not like you two aren’t made for one another?” she asked, staring her brother down, “Look, don’t be stupid, it’s not like your siblings anymore.

As Bellamy thought about that, Octavia let out a long breath, "and I know I’ve got some apologizing to do, too. I was hard on you when I should have tried to be a better sister to you and a better friend to Clarke.” 

When he tried to reply, O stopped him with her hand in the air, “I don't know if it matters, but I need to say this- things were hard, Bell, I was always jealous of how close you two were. It took me a while to realize that the bond you have with her is different. That doesn’t make being brother and sister any less special though. And I want _you_ to be happy... _I want you both to be happy_.” 

For a moment he struggled to say anything. As he opened his mouth though, Clarke walked in through the back door with Kit, her cheeks flushed red from a run, “Hey guys!” she said, only looking at O.

“I’ll see you for lunch, Bell,” O said, grabbing her bag and to-go mug, and giving him a peck on the cheek, she added, “then shopping, deal?”

“Fine,” Bellamy laughed.

“And then it’s you, me and cosmos, right  Clarkey ?” 

“Sure thing!” Clarke said, “I’d hug ya, but you know... I’m gross.” 

“Yeah you are!” she laughed, pretending to be grossed out as Clarke stuck her tongue out in mock indignation, “I’ll see you soon. Oh, and play nice, _both of you_.”

The warning was for Bellamy in particular, he could tell.

After O left, Clarke poured herself some coffee and stood across from Bellamy, not quite meeting his gaze, “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s just being here, with you... it brings back so many memories.” 

“I know... Believe me, I do,” Bellamy said. Trying to be brave, he reached his hand out for hers. To his relief, she placed her much smaller one in his, “you didn’t do anything wrong. You know that, right?”

As the words left his lips, Clarke’s electric blue eyes snapped up to his. What he wouldn’t give to know exactly what she was thinking right now... 

“There’s so much we need to talk about, Clarke. But I don’t want you to think I don’t care or that I don’t...” Bellamy had to let out a shuddering breath, this was the first time he’d let himself say this out loud since he was eighteen, “I don’t want you to think that I don’t want you, because I do. I just want to do this right... You deserve that much.” 

As Clarke eyed him, her expression softened. As if without giving it much thought, her fingers trailed up his wrist, to where his mark used to be. As soon as she touched the spot, Bellamy felt a comforting and familiar warmth blossom throughout his being, “you deserve that, too, Bell.” 

And with that, she was walking out of the room, taking his heart with her. 

Breakfast with Aurora Blake was... confusing, to say the least. After they sat down at the local diner and she ordered a classic breakfast, while Bellamy opted for the huevos rancheros, she took a sip of her coffee and began to talk.

“I’m only going to talk about this with you once, Bellamy. Then, I want to forget about it, okay?” 

Sensing that this going to be about Clarke, he nodded, “Mom, I want to apolo-” 

“Stop right there,” she interrupted, “you’re not a child, you don’t owe me any apologies, not even for not listening to me back then. I want to apologize to you- for not being there when you needed me. For not seeing your situation for what it was, for not seeing that it was different than mine.” 

That took Bellamy by surprise, “What do you mean?” 

“Bellamy, your father... he was a good man. He was good to me, but he wasn’t my ‘soulmate’,” Aurora said, gripping her coffee, “I don’t talk about it much, but there is a reason why we don’t have family in the area- why I don’t have a mark. I- my soulmate was a family member. It was my brother. He was older than me by quite a bit, and he hurt me, a lot.” 

“I know that you are a good man... you never hurt Clarke intentionally. And certainly not physically. I need you to know that I lived with my brother for years. After my mom died, he got custody of me.” 

“When I met your dad, he worked with my brother. He saw the soul-marks and the bruises. He tried to confront John about it. And he almost killed him. Before John could try to hurt me again, your dad asked me if I wanted to leave with him, and I did... I never looked back, Bellamy.” 

“Your father was so good to me. I ended up marrying him and having you while I was still fairly young. He didn’t have a mark, so when I got ‘the error’ removed, we both tattooed our own symbols on us,” his mom said with a little smile, “your father was in every way, my true soulmate. When we lost him... I never thought I’d be whole again.” 

“But then, I had O, and Clarke came along... and suddenly I had so much more love than I ever could have wished for... You all are my world, even now.” 

“Mom, I- I don’t know what to say. What that man did, it was evil,” Bellamy offered. The idea of family, someone she was supposed to trust hurting her, it filled him with a loosely contained rage.

“I know, and it’s not an excuse, but I hope it’s somewhat of an explanation for my behavior. When I saw what was happening between you and Clarke, I got scared. I hadn’t dealt with my own trauma, and I wasn’t ready to see your circumstances for what they were. You- you were such a good boy, Bellamy. I shouldn’t have expected the worst out of you. And for that, I’m so sorry.”

“What do you mean?” 

“I wasn’t there for you... when you needed someone to talk to. I just let you try meds and try doctors and I coddled Clarke in a desperate attempt to keep her from the abuse I faced. But I should have known that you’d never keep her captive or control her as John did to me.” 

“I get it- you saw yourself in Clarke. That’s not a bad instinct... and I forgive you for thinking the worst of me, I guess.” 

As Bellamy paused the food was delivered. With one last gust of emotional energy, Bellamy placed his hand over his mother’s, “I am sorry, Mom... For not coming around sooner, for not being here to know this... so that we could work through it.” 

Giving him a smile, his Mom leaned forward to pat his cheek, “you’re here now, Bellamy, that’s all that matters, now eat up... you’ve got hardly any meat on those bones.” 

And with a chuckle, Bellamy listened to his mother. 

As it turned out, Bellamy found himself inspired enough to get a gift for Clarke. At first, he wondered if he should get something so intimate, but peering into the little jewelry box, he couldn’t deny that it felt right. 

Looking at the clock one more time, Bellamy realized it was after two am. Truthfully, he should probably just go to bed. After all, Clarke and O were having a girl’s night. Who’s to say she would even come upstairs? 

As if summoned, Bellamy heard a faint rap on the door. For a moment, he wondered if he was imagining it, but then he heard it again. Getting up, Bellamy ran his hand through his hair and prayed for the best. Opening the door, he smiled at Clarke, who merely stood there chewing her lip.

“Hey,” she breathed, her blue eyes scanning his figure and coming up to meet his.

“Hey, Princess,” Bellamy said, enjoying the flush color that crept along her cheeks, “how was your girl’s night?” 

“Good,” Clarke said, ducking her head slightly, “really good...” 

“Do you  wanna come in?” 

“If that’s okay...” Clarke said, shyly, she was clasping her hands together, something she did when nervous, “O said you got me a present?”

“Ah, of course, she spilled the beans...” he laughed, welcoming her in and turning the nob on the lamp by his bed. Bellamy studied Clarke momentarily before grabbing the box out of the drawer. Sitting next to her, he began to stumble through what he wanted to say, “so, at breakfast, my mom told me a bit about her past... she said that my dad didn’t have a mark when they met... so they picked their own symbol... I, uh, found that the idea resonated with me.” 

Holding onto the box, Bellamy realized exactly what that implied... that he still felt Clarke was it for him. And even though that was true, he felt a sudden surge of panic... what if this was too forward? What if she didn’t feel the same? 

Taking a deep breath, Bellamy tried to focus. In the middle of his panic, he looked up find Clarke inspecting him, her wide eyes full of gentle curiosity. With a slight nod, she encouraged him. 

“I- uh, I want you to know Clarke, that no matter what I am to you... you’re important to me. How I feel hasn’t changed. If anything, I feel even more deeply for you than I ever thought possible. And that idea, the idea that you and I are somehow woven into one another’s lives is what inspired this, I guess.” 

With a small smile, Bellamy handed her the box, “I know how much you love opening presents... so,” he said with a nervous laugh. 

Looking from the box to Bellamy, Clarke slowly took it out of his hands. With a deep breath, she opened it and smiled wide, as her eyes took in the white gold infinity pendant, “Bellamy, I- I don’t know what to say... This is beautiful.” 

“I’m glad you like it,” he said, smiling proudly, as Clarke ran her fingers over the modest piece, “I hope I wasn’t being too  presumptuous ,” he mentioned.

With an air of excitement, Clarke tried to put the necklace on, only to pinch her own fingers, “could you?” she asked, handing it over for Bellamy to assist her with.

“It’s so funny,” She mumbled, as Bellamy went to work, “when I lost my mark. I got a tattoo in the spot... do you see it?” 

Brushing her hair away from her ear, Bellamy felt his heart just about burst out of his chest. In the spot where there used to be a black rose, was an infinity sign.

“What inspired that?” Bellamy asked, his throat tightening as his heart took off wildly. 

“The fact that I’d rather not be without you,” Clarke said, letting her hair go as she turned back around. With a somewhat awestruck expression, she laid her hand on Bellamy’s cheek, “Bell, thank you. Seriously, I-” 

It was one, then two and three soft touches of his lips against hers. More than anything, it was a suggestion of a kiss, which she began to answer before Bellamy pulled away. As he did so, he watched her eyes flutter open. As if paralyzed, Clarke remained there, eyes wide and lips frozen, “Bellamy, I-” 

“Yeah?” he asked, his chest feeling more and more full of warmth as he watched Clarke’s eyes soften and her lips curl into a soft smile, “was that okay?” 

“Hmm,” she murmured, her fingers threading into his hair, as she nuzzled into his neck and then moved to kiss him there.

“I’m not sure, it was such a short kiss...” she said, her lips finding first his cheek, and then the corner of his mouth before she continued, “I need more data before I can come to a conclusion.”

Before Bellamy could come up with anything cute or clever to say, the familiar taste and scent of Clarke were infiltrating his senses and welcoming him home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I've struggled a little getting this chapter out. After a few weeks, I got some inspiration last night and tonight... I hope you like it!
> 
> Lyrics from "Don't Swallow the Cap" by The National.


End file.
